Monday, February 26, 2007

I watched the Oscars last night, sort of(I missed a bit)
am glad that I sort of watched them.
I love Ellen Degeneres, loved the movie "The Departed"(but think "Little Miss Sunshine" could have just as easily won, but luckily it got "Best Screen Play").
I never notice what people are wearing(unless they're naked or wearing something flourescent).
So I don't understand all the fuss of people getting catty over what people are wearing.
Shut up!
If I were in the fashion industry I would always make it a point to show up wearing an over sized glow in the dark trash bag draped in strobe lights and wear a tiara that had a working garden sprinkler on it.
I would then always make it a point of referring to everyone and their fashion sense as,

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Safety Vest!
There's a guy in my neighborhood who I've seen a number of times power walking about,
while over dramaticly swinging his arms(in such a way that it looks like he's competing in a swimming race),
he is always wearing a flourescent yellow safety vest
talking to himself.
I don't think he has a job that requires him to wear the safety vest, I think he just wears it for kicks.
I see him all the time
never once have I thought,
"What a weirdo..."
Instead, I have thought,
"I bet that guy could totally beat me in a running race."

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

It looks like...a grizzly bear is going to show up at any minute now in this picture,
followed by a guy with a musket(if muskets still exist).

Thursday, February 15, 2007


Hope you all had a nice Valentines Day!
Mine was pretty decent.
Valentines Day is such a weird holiday because people seem to either hate it or love it
get really down about it or really excited.
I've been both single and not single when it rolls around and happy in either case.
I've always thought of it as a nice little holiday that involves the color red, pink, and eating too much candy.
This was the first Valentines Day that I layed off the candy
didn't feel like I was developing a case of diabetes.
I feel like I've grown up.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Last night I had a dream that I was living in a town that was being terrorized by a slug that was the size of a German Shepherd.
All of us left town in a hurry when we heard the bad news.
Then suddenly we were at a park and sitting at park benches.
Someone yelled,
"OK everybody there's enough Fruit Loops for everyone! Dig in!".
This didn't make me happy because I don't like Fruit Loops,
I kept my opinions to myself
because I felt like it would be inappropriate to bitch about my dislike of Fruit Loops during this crisis.
So I ate my bowl of Fruit Loops anyway,
discovered they weren't Fruit Loops.
Then I said,
"You guys these aren't Fruit Loops!! This is a bowl of Mike 'n Ikes in 2% milk!
Then I woke up....

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Baking Soda makes me angry!!!!!

This is due to a moment in my past(way way past, like when my age was still in the single digits), when I once tryed to "bake cookies".
The recipe called for 1 tsp and a half of baking soda. For some reason I read it as a 1 cup and a half...which made the cookie batter very dry. So my logical way to solve that problem was to "keep adding more eggs!". The "cookies" ended up not tasting like cookies at all(as I'm sure you may have figured out).
So everytime I see a box of baking soda I feel like the school bully has just shown up and it's taunting me with it's toned bicep and yelling,
"Hey Val! Why don't you make more "cookies"?! And while you're at it, why don't you come over here so I can hit you with this hammer I'm holding!!!!"
I hate you baking soda!
There is no way in hell I am sending in for the "FREE 2007" Arm and Hammer calendar.
NO WAY!!!!!

Monday, February 05, 2007

I'm glad that the times haven't changed
that every year we still decide when spring will arrive
based on whether or not this guy spots his shadow.
I'm also glad that Prince did the half time show last night at the superbowl.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Signs of Success

1. Someone is kind enough to write a nice article about you accompanied by a nice photo. They may even use the word "successful" as one of the nice words to describe you in the article.

2. Someone is NOT happy with you! They write an unflattering article about you accompanied by an unflattering photo of you. They may even put a flattering photo of themself next to your unflattering photo. As if to say, "Look how much more flattering my photo is! I know I totally photo shopped your photo to make you look hideous, but who cares?! Right now( in this article that I wrote), I'm better than you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!".