I'm SO excited that the Red Sox won!!!


I hope this means that my neverending quest to do a perfect cartwheel isn't as unattainable as I thought.

Today I went to a bagel place to get a bagel.

When my bagel was ready it was handed to me in a brown paper bag,
and I accepted it graciously,
giving a hearty handshake to each and every staff member of the bagel place.

There was another brown paper bag with something in it on the counter too,
and without thinking...I took that one too.

So I walked out of the bagel place carrying a brown paper bag that was mine,
along with one that wasn't.

And I kept walking and thinking,
"That's weird how my bagel takes up two bags."

Because that's the level of intelligence I have when I haven't had any coffee to drink yet(which usually comes in a 5 gallon serving).

So I continued walking down the street with my bagel, and the stolen bag of mystery food, totally unaware of the harsh crime I had committed.

Walking in a state of false innocence.

When I got back to my apartment I ate my bagel, then drank my usual 5 gallons of coffee from the coffee tank.

And that was when I came back to reality and recognized the bag that was on the kitchen table was a victum of abduction.

I slowly walked over to it, and opened it to see what was inside.
But had to look away to control my weeping, and heart palpitations.

"What have I done!", I yelled at my reflection on the fridge.

After shedding many tears, and after making phone calls to each and every one of my friends in pursuit of advice and consoling,

I made a decision:

I was going to go back to the bagel place and return the stolen goods.

So I clutched the mystery bag to my heart then marched back to the bagel place.

When I was face to face with the cashier, I handed her the bag.

Then through deep sobs I muttered,
"I have NOT licked the contents in that bag.
Whatever is in that bag can still make honest profits."

I then ran out of the bagel place as fast as I could.

I kept on running and running and running till I got to the water front.

Then I went for a swim.

Today I walked down the street carrying a tennis ball in each hand,
Hoping that people I walked by would see me carrying the tennis balls
and think I had just come back from some kind of game.

But I don't think anyone noticed, the tennis balls.

But I kept hoping that someone would stop me and say,
"Wow, you're carrying a tennis ball in each hand!
Where are you coming from? The big game?"

Then I would blush. And reply,
"Yeah, I think we won."

Oh to dream...

Light

I started to do some traveling for comedy recently.
And so far I really like it.

I went to South Dakota State University and Central College in Iowa, a couple of weeks ago.
Both shows went well.

The show at South Dakota State University, was my first show that I ever did where I had to travel far for, and I was the only one performing.
When I got to the airport in South Dakota, I was picked up and told that the show was going to be at an auditorium that seats 1,000.
I got a little bit scared when I heard this, because I haven't really been on tv(aka no one has ever heard of me). I immediately envisioned myself walking to a microphone on stage and and talking to an empty auditorium with maybe 2 students staring blankly at me.
I wouldn't even do my stand-up. I would just bang the microphone against my head, and keep saying,"Hey is this thing on?"
The words echoing tragically.

Before the show I rode around on campus in a car with students to promote the show. One person hung out the window in the front passenger seat and yelled things like, "Hey everyone comedian Val Kappa tonight at 7:00!", into a megaphone.
I've never seen show promotion like that before. It was great.

When it was time for the show. There was a good turn out.
I did an hour of stand-up, and it went well.

The next morning I got a ride to a car rental place so I could pick up a car and get to Iowa.

I drove from South Dakota to Iowa in a rental car. Which I was scared to do for some reason.

To make it even more complex, when I got to the car rental place they were like,
"Yeah we're all out of normal cars. All we have left is this..."

I was then walked over to a huge pick-up truck.

I got a bit panicky.

I had never driven a pick-up truck in my life, but then again I had never driven through farm country either.

As I drove the pick-up truck, through miles of farms it seemed totally appropriate.
When I hit Iowa I passed a gas station called, "Kum and Go".
This seemed hilarious to me.
I had to pull over because I was laughing so hard.
Pulled over on a highway in the midst of endless cornfields, in a pick-up truck, and laughing at "Kum and Go".
Awesome.

Central College is in a town called Pella, and was not very farmish. Instead there were a lot of...windmills. For some reason the town is set up like the Netherlands. It kind of threw me for a loop. I liked it.

The show was also in an auditorium in front of about 200 students. But this time I got to perform with another comic named Brad Lowery.

Me and Brad flipped a coin to determine who would go first. I won the toss, and volunteered to go first.
It went well, and Brad did well too.

All in all, I really enjoyed my first college outing.


Thanks to both schools for having me over.
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Now for something random:

I walked past a guy on the sidewalk
and
before passing him he looked at me and said,
"Hey, do you have a lighter?"

To which I replied,"No."

Then he said,"Yes, you do."

Then I said, "No, I don't."

I then continued walking away as fast as I could so I would have the last word in this "No I don't/Yes you do" battle.

It was looking and feeling good.

I felt really victorious.

Then I blew it.

I tripped.

I didn't fall.

I just tripped.

And I turned around to see the, "Yes you do"-lighter guy laughing at me.