Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Cat Lady

I was standing near a woman yesterday
her cell phone rang.
The ringtone was the sound a cat meowing very loudly.
I didn't know that that was the sound of her cell phone.
I assumed that she had a cat in her huge pocket book(because that's the way she rolled).
Kind of like how in the movie "Gremlins", Gizmo is always in that boy's bag and making weird noises.
The woman must have known what I was thinking because she started laughing hysterically then said,
That's just my cell phone! I thought it would be an appropraite ring tone for me since I own 10 cats!!!! HA HA HA HA!

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Overheard at the bagel place...

Person sitting near me eating a bagel:
OMG! This bagel is SO salty!

What kind of bagel is it?

Person sitting near me eating a bagel:
It's a salt bagel.

That might be why...

Sunday, November 30, 2008

On my way home the other night,
there were some cops doing a drunk driving check.
I stopped and they shined a flashlight at me and said,
Have you had anything to drink tonight?
I did happen to have one drink
for some reason I quickly answered with a lie by loudly saying,
All I had was a Coke!
The 2 cops looked at one another and started laughing and said,
Was it diet or regular?
Then they gave each other a high five.
I responded and said,
at them and drove away.

Monday, November 10, 2008

The Charmin Bears were in town today:

I seem to have a habit of crossing paths with people who are dressed up like animals...
There is this guy who I walk by every now and then who sits in Boston Common.
He yells out 2 pieces of relevant news and calls himself "The Town Cryer".
I walked by him last week the day after Obama had won
he yelled,
Hi I'm the Town Cryer! Barack Obama is now our President and it's gonna rain after five o'clock, folks!
Although he was wrong about it raining after 5 o'clock, I thought he was fabulous anyway.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Tomorrow is Election Day!
Everyone seems revved up:

Don't forget to vote!

Saturday, November 01, 2008

When 4 foot tall birds attack...

I'm not sure if this is a 4 foot tall Kiwi bird
if it's a 4 foot tall humming bird:

But I have a feeling that when you saw this picture you thought,
OMG! Every morning I stroll down the street with my morning cup of coffee. What would I do if this 4 foot creature came running towards me(full throttle) in attack mode! How would I defend myself?! How would I fight back?!

Well I don't have the answer to your question
maybe a good idea would be to distract the bird by making small talk.
In the middle of this distraction gently knock it over(they look like they are the type to have a hard time getting back up when they fall down).
Once you do this, run for your life.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I've been doing a lot of thinking...

wondering why these merry go round horses look like they're going through a tough/hellish time:

It seems like they might scare kids.
I don't remember thinking merry go round horses were scary as a kid
maybe I blocked out the memory of that and one day I will be walking down the street and suddenly it will all come flooding back and I'll start weeping.
Then maybe someone will say to me,
What's wrong? What are you thinking about?
I'll simply reply,
Merry go rounds...

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Are fly swatters still "in"?

I used a fly swatter to kill a bug the other day
as I did that I thought,
Wow, this feels so 80's!
It made me wonder if something more advanced has been invented to replace it yet
I'm not aware of it.
Is there a fly-laser-gun that comes with safety goggles yet?
I wouldn't be surprised if there was.
I wouldn't buy it
I'm just saying that if it existed I wouldn't be too impressed.
I'd stick with fly swatter.
I think it's more dignified.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

What did I REALLY sign up for...

When I first moved out of NY a few years back,
I went food shopping at a Stop n Shop.
When I came out of the store, an enthusiastic girl with a clipboard came power walking my way and asked me if I was registered to vote.
She looked something like this:

Or maybe she looked more like this:

Or maybe she didn't look like either of those pictures at all...

In either case,
I talked to her and told her I was registered in NY but not MA.
She encouraged me to re-register to vote.
I totally did because I figured I may as well save time and just do it now.
So I put down my info on her clip board and we chatted for a bit then I walked away
never thought anything about it.
Months later when I went down to the town hall to double check on being re-registered.
It turned out I wasn't.
I told them about the girl at the Stop n Shop with the clipboard
asked them if that was normal.
They said,
No, people usually don't register to vote at the Stop n Shop...
So the question is, what did that girl use my info for?!
What did I really sign up for?
I guess I'll never know.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

For awhile...
I thought the email people were mocking me.

You know sometimes when you send an email out to people then you end up spelling someone's(or everyone's)name wrong so the some emails come back to you?

Well, when it said "Fatal mail daemon error!"(or whatever it said that was something like that)in the emails that came back, I would get really annoyed
I thought that when the email system used the word "daemon" they really meant to use the word "demon" but had left out the "a" on purpose just to piss you off and be like,
"Hi we're the email demons here to inform you that you fu@$ed up! And we want to annoy you more by spelling the word demons wrong!"
The email daemons!!!HA!HA!HA!

I'm glad I cleared that up.
Life is so much more peaceful for me now.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I just realized that I say,
Don't be alarmed...
all the time
just never as an opening line in a phone call.
Does that make me a hypocrite?
Don't be alarmed?!
Who the hell starts a phone call by saying that?
How about...
Don't hang up on me, I clearly have no idea how to talk to people via phone calls...

That would have been the more appropriate line for these people.

It was just an automated phone message
c'mon get it together!
If you don't want people(like me) to hang up on you, you have to come up with a better opening line.

Friday, September 05, 2008

You know what might be annoying...
If you had to be somewhere
you got there early(like 40 minutes).
So you decide to just walk around the neighborhood
explore just to kill the time.
You keep walking then you decide it's time to walk back to that place you were supposed to be at but were way too early at
you reach into your pocket to pull out that piece of paper that has the address.
For some reason you end up letting go of the piece of paper
it happens to be an abnormally windy day, so the paper with the address blows away
mixes a bunch of other blown away pieces of paper in the distance.
As you watch this happen you realize that that piece of paper was your only way of knowing the exact location of the place you have to be at
now it's gone.
Because of this you end up being an hour late for something you were initially 40 minutes early for.
I'm not saying this has happened to me.
I'm just saying it would be annoying if it happened to someone.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

I have a feeling...
that if the Sun Maid Raisin Lady:

the Quaker Oats Guy:

were to meet one another,
they might get along well because of their common love of bad hats.

Monday, September 01, 2008

My comic strip was published in our high school newspaper.
Our high school newspaper was published as one page, once a week in our town newspaper.

When I first started it, it was just about Mowie eating things...

Thursday, August 28, 2008

This character's name is Bell:
-She loves bows and always talks about how she wants to own a bow factory when she grows up.
-She feels uncomfortable around boys.
-She is always carrying a notebook around with her and drawing pictures of outfits.
-She will most likely be a successful fashion designer when she grows up.

I never got around to naming or developing this character:

He was just there...

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I'll just tell you more right now...Photobucket
The name of my comic strip was "Mowie Mayweather".
Mowie was the main character.
Her closest friend was Chowie(from the last post).
The first few strips just focused on her.
None of her friends were featured until later.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

This blog needs more pictures...
That's a character named Chowie that I used to draw in a comic strip when I was a teenager.
From now on when I feel like there is a void on this blog I'll just post a picture of one his friends.

Friday, August 22, 2008

This whole "wearing glasses" thing is starting to bore me...

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Setting and Location

Setting is important.
It can effect your opinion on something.

If you were to see a mouse in a pet store and in a cage you might think it was cute
if you were to see that same mouse in your apartment and it was swimming in your bowl of cereal you might not think it was so cute.

You're on vacation and it's a beautiful and sunny day and birds are chirping in the background. You see a man riding a unicyle and juggling bowling pins and smiling.
What a talented guy! (you might think)
If you were walking through a thunder/lighting storm without an umbrella
for some reason can't seem to remember where you parked your car
suddenly that same man pops up riding his unicycle and juggling bowling pins
smiling ear to ear...
What a fu@$ing douchebag! (you might think)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I woke up and saw some news story on tv about a truck load of raw chicken falling onto a highway somewhere.
It made me feel glad that I hadn't randomly been jogging on that highway
that would have been gross to randomly be jogging on a highway and be so focused that you ended up tripping and falling into the pile of chickens.
Then all the cars on the highway would drive by you and judge you.
You'd be, "The crazy chick sprawled out in the pile of chickens".
They'd all assume that you had caused the situation.
Someone might even take a picture of you to show their friends
be like,
You guys look at the crazy chicken lady! Laying with the chickens!
Then everyone would laugh.

After thinking all of this, it made me feel glad that I never jog on highways or freeways and have no intention of doing so in the future.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Ok, my IQ already feels like it's back on track(I read another page of that book).
Have a great weekend!
Was I drunk when I posted that last post?
I bet I was.
I've been reading a lot of books(more like one page of one book)the last few days
I felt like I haven't been reading enough lately and
feared that my IQ might slip down to a 2 year old level.
I think it's totally gone up though, and the reading has paid off.
At this point I'm almost certain that my IQ is equal to that of a 6 year old.
If I read a few more books I bet it will be back up to where it should be and I'll be able to have normal conversations with people that make sense.

I'm going to pitch this as a new literacy campaign to air during next years Super Bowl.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Is coffee bad for you?
I think it is.
I've been drinking it again lately
the other day I got an iced green tea
when I ordered it, a woman standing near me nodded in approval and said,
Wow, you're so good. I'm awful! I drink coffee all the time. Someone should just call an ambulance for me!
Which didn't make any sense to me...
but regardless
I responded to her by saying,
I'll call them for you(if you want)!
Which didn't make any sense to me either.
Then I just walked away
my communication skills aren't very good in the morning.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

I think that if I ever saw a toll booth person arriving at work
actually entering their toll booth at the beginning of the day it would ruin the magic and mystery for me.
I still like to believe that people who work at toll booths get there telepathically or by blinking.
Then when it's time to go home they just clap their hands and disappear.
Don't ruin my reality, toll booth people!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

I think I may have overreacted in that last post.
I bet that person had a very important reason for passing me,
I bet they are a professional race car driver
they don't know how to "turn it off" or something.
That makes perfect sense.
I bet if I were a race car driver I would do the same thing.

I'm going to go for a jog now.
Earlier this morning I was driving at an earlier hour
someone decided I was driving too slow and swerved by and passed me.
We weren't on a highway or freeway,
we were just on a little street.
There is no need to be passing people like that before the sun has barely even risen.
Where the hell are you off to?
To pick up a sac of crack?

I think the only way to respond this person in an equally annoying fashion would have been to pick up my speed and swerve and pass by them in a Smart Car:

Then as I pass them give them the finger
honk at them
not honk with the car horn,
honk with one of those annoying bicycle horns that clowns use in the circus and at childrens parties.
That would have totally shown them(I bet)!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

It would be gross if you went to a baseball game
instead of a vendor walking through the seating area and yelling,
Peanuts! Get's your fresh peanuts!
He(or she) yelled,
Yogurt! In a sac! Get your yogurt in a sac!

That's the only thing I have to say today!!!!!!
Go Celtics!

Monday, June 16, 2008

I was horrified to find out that yogurt sometimes comes in a sac:

then I was impressed that the people who made this product had the intelligence to put pictures of happy cows on the packaging as if to say,
"Hmmm, maybe the happy cows will distract people from noticing that the yogurt comes in a sac..."
Well done, yogurt people!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

When wildlife shows up uninvited...
I was on the phone with a friend a few weeks ago
she was in the middle of telling me a story
suddenly stopped and started screaming and hung up the phone.
This made me think:
Maybe I should call the FBI up and have them check up on her...

In the middle of this thought she called me back and sounded out of breath
and said,
There was a fu@$ing squirrel in my apartment and it was running everywhere. I think it stepped in my bowl of soup!! I totally got it to leave though.

I don't think I've ever had wildlife barge into my place of residence
if I did I would want it to be an owl
keep it as a pet.

I think owls eat rats though so I guess that wouldn't work out
I lived in a rat infested apartment which I don't aspire to do.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Test, test, 1, 2
Last night I tested out some new material in front of these awesome people:

It went well.
When I try out new stuff I like to do it in front of a few people who have never heard of me because when there are less people in the room, there is less energy and it's tougher to make people laugh.
So if you actually do make them laugh, you know the material you have written is a keeper.
At least that's my theory...

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Bad apartment sitter...

Last night I had a dream that I was apartment sitting for a friend.
The apartment was in the city
I drove to it and parked my car in a questionable place
and thought,
"I hope I don't get towed..."
When I got into the apartment I opened a window.
It turned out there was an uncaged parrot in the apartment.
As soon as it saw the open window it flew right out of it since the window had no screen.
The parrot happened to be holding a tv remote control in it's talons so it flew off with it.
I got worried that my friend would notice her remote control was missing,
rather than the parrot.
I looked out the window and could see the questionable place where I had parked my car.
It was no longer there.
Instead a police car was parked there.
I went outside and left the apartment door open.
The cop told me he had towed my car and it was on it's way to India
would be hard to get back.
I went back inside the apartment and tried to call the towing company in India
they took forever to take my call.
While I was waiting a group of guys dressed like Rambo came storming into the apartment carrying machine guns.
It was easy for them to get in since I forgot to close the door behind me.
They started to randomly shoot their machine guns and knock over furniture.
One of them did a back flip and cartwheel for no apparent reason.
Another one looked at me
"We're mercenaries and we need quarters to do our laundry! Give us all of your quarters!"
I got annoyed and told them to shut up because I was waiting to talk to someone at a towing company in India.
They stopped shooting their guns and waited.
When I finally talked to the towing company they told me that they were sorry but they couldn't give me my car back
to make it up to me they would just mail me a scooter.
I decided that was a fair trade and hung up.
When I got off the phone the mercenaries started shooting their machine guns again and yelling about giving me all my quarters again.
I yelled back at them and said,
"I don't have any fu@#ing quarters! All I have are 4 $100 dollar bills!".
They stopped shooting their machine guns
I told them it was ok.
Then they left the apartment.

Sunday, May 18, 2008


Growing up, I was advised to never randomly walk across the highway
it might result in getting run over by the cars.
I guess this family of geese wasn't given that same advice.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Do people who are members of an Elks Lodge wear hats that look like this?

Or did that only happen on The Flinstones?

Saturday, April 19, 2008

I got a parking ticket the other day
I was allegedly parked too far away from the curb.
I'm glad that I'm not the person who does the ticket giving.
Being a comedian is a more suitable job for me
if I were a ticket giver I would just let all the parking violations slide by
instead leave a post-it note on people's windshields that said:
Dude, you need to get your sh@$ together. Seriously.

although this drink looks like contaminated swamp water,
it is very good
slightly addictive:

Friday, April 18, 2008

Where does one draw the line with denim?
I'm no fashion whiz,
but last night I had the feeling I was wearing too much denim
feared that I might get heckled by more fashion saavy people who walked by me as I strolled down the street.
I met up with a couple of my friends for dinner on Newbury St.
as I walked to meet up with them I prepared myself for snide comments to be hurled my way like:
I think you need to turn down the denim!

I was dissappointed when this didn't happen.
So I walked up to someone and asked them for the time,
hoping they would respond with sometihng snarky like:
Why, are you late for a bedazzler appointment?!

No such luck.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

This year I made the "brave" decision to file my taxes myself.
I stand by this decision but am scared that I somehow f@#$ed it up
like the last time I made the "brave" decision to file my taxes myself.
Last time I made a huge mistake.
The numbers on one of my forms had faded numbers that happened to be important.
Rather than make a phone call and ask what the faded numbers were I thought it would be wiser to just wing it and make a guess at what they were:
I'll go with 22222222! That seems like a smart guess!
Apparently it wasn't.
None of the faded numbers were a 2...

This year there were no faded numbers
wild guesses so I think I actually filed my taxes properly
ended up not screwing myself over.
How nice.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

It's a spring time miracle!
Today the weather was actually nice enough to go jogging outside intead of on the treadmill
the track at my old stomping grounds seems to have gotten an amazing upgrade:

Now I feel more motivated to train for that marathon that exists in my head.
I am determined to defeat my imaginary competitors!

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Time to post on the blog!
Thanks to all who came out to the shows last weekend.
I was able to make a good tape
am not sure what I'll be doing with that.
I guess I should put up a quick snippet on youtube
so I can become the last comedian to put a clip of her stand-up on there.
I hear it's all the rage!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Out of Office Reply

I think the "Out of Office Reply" for email is one of the greatest things ever invented.
I've never used it myself, but if I were I'd make sure to leave a dramatic message like,

I've left the country to find my family
am unable to read and reply to my email.
Hope it can wait...

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Cell phones

When people switch cell phone numbers is their old number abandoned forever?
Or is it just passed on to someone else who is getting their new cell phone?

I woke up last night, asking myself these very important questions
knew i would not be able to fall back asleep until I found my answers
because it's things like this that haunt me.

After dialing my abandoned cell phone number, I got the answers I was looking for.
My number seems to have been passed on to a guy with a manly voice.
Rather than tell him my real reasons for calling, I just lied and said,
"Oh I totally have the wrong number..."

I think it would have creeped him out if I said,
"Dude! It's me, Val! How do you like this number? It used to be mine! I hope you're liking it."

So if you ever had any questions about where cell phone numbers go,
now you know.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Straight to DVD nightmare #2:
Every once in awhile I have a nightmare
it's one of those nightmares that seems scary while you're dreaming it but then when you wake up you feel embarrassed that you were scared by it in your sleep.
Last night I had one of those.
I dreamt that I was on my way down to a basement to do some laundry but I realized I needed to go back upstairs to get some detergent.
For some reason I went to the refrigerator and opened it. It was filled with detergent.
I began to panic.
I ran to a corner in the kitchen
started crying(out of fear)
then I yelled,
I don't recognize any of these brands!
I mustered up some courage then walked back to the fridge and grabbed of bottle of detergent. I walked back down to the basement.
My heart began to beat rapidly
because I noticed that both the washing machine and dryer were running although I hadn't turned them on yet...
A strange bright light was shining from them as though they were pocessed.
I was scared to approach them because I feared the light would cause me to get an unnatural tan.
I'm not one to go tanning but if I do get a tan I want it to be a natural one from the sun.
I decided I needed to put on some sunblock before approaching the washer and dryer.
So I applyed the detergent because the unrecognizable brand that it happened to be was:
SPF 6000.
When I finally got to the washer a comedian I didn't know jumped out of it and asked me if he could try a joke out on me.
I told him that he couldn't because I was busy doing my laundry.
I then looked down and noticed he was wearing socks that didn't match...
I started screaming in terror
dropped my SPF 6000 laundry detergent bottle on the floor.
It spilled everywhere.
That was when I woke up
remembered I had already down my laundry the day before.
This made me feel thankful.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Newspaper storm!
Yesterday, started out as a sunny day until I drove on the highway
the sky suddenly became overcast with creepiness:

As I drove further along I noticed that the highway was being terrorized by flying newspapers. I attempted to take pictures of this but was highly unsuccessful because I didn't want to cause a car accident.
This is all I was able to capture
post on my blog to share with you:

It was a lot more dramatic than the pictures would suggest.
I feel lucky to have survived.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Wrong number
Whenever someone calls me and it turns out to be the wrong number,
they never reveal this to me by asking for someone other than me.
My wrong number peeps reveal they are calling the wrong number by revealing what appears to be a secret.
Most of my wrong number conversations go something like this:

Me: Hello?
Wrong number person: I did it...
Me: Hmmmm.
Wrong number person: Hmmmmm?!
Me: Yeah.
Wrong number person: Who is this?!
Me: Who's this?
Wrong number person: I think I have the wrong number.
Me: I think you have the wrong number too.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Earlier this morning I caught a news story on tv.
I watched this before I drank my usual tub of morning coffee so maybe I'm getting it wrong...
But basically the story was about a woman who was a mayor
there were photos of her on the internet
wearing a bathing suit that showed off her well toned body.
Everyone in her town seemed outraged by this and acted as though she had broken the law in a very shocking way.
Many were quoted as saying things like,
This just doesn't happen in our town!
I guess the woman isn't mayor anymore because of her "shocking" photos.
I just don't get why everyone flipped out about this.
If I lived somewhere where the mayor had photos of herself on the internet looking fit and was asked to give a quote about it, I would have been quoted as saying,
Good for her! She looks like she can do a chin-up. I like my people in charge to look like they don't lounge on the couch all day.

Maybe I got the story wrong though.
Maybe there was a huge chunk I missed that talked about her putting the photos up on the interent because she was whoring herself out like a prostitute.
Like I said, I watched the story early and without having my daily dose of caffeine...

Monday, February 25, 2008

Last night I had a dream that I was talking to a teacher of mine from back in the day.
We were talking about him but for some reason in the dream I didn't recognize him as being him
he acted like when we were talking about him we were talking about someone else.
It wasn't until I woke up that I realzied it had indeed been him.
I'm infuriated!
I feel like I need to go back to sleep, so I can tell him off in another dream
and tell him,
I know you're you!
then start talking about myself as though I'm not in the room.
I hate when that happens!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Thanks Bozo!
I think all of us have valuable things learned in childhood that we carry with us throughout life.
I got one of mine from catching an episode of "Bozo's Big Top" one day.
Bozo taught the valuable lesson of taking a newspaper
rolling it up
then cutting the edges a bit with a pair of scissors.
You then pull on the edge of the newspaper you cut a bit so it extends really far.
Then suddenly just like magic,
that rolled up newspaper becomes a...
palm tree!
The other day while waiting in a line, Bozo's lesson popped into my head.
I didn't have a newspaper on me, but I DID have my winter scarf on me!
I quickly snatched it from around my neck and began to roll it like Bozo had done with the newspaper.
I skipped the whole "cutting the edges with scissors" bit(as it didn't seem wise in this scenario)
went right to the "extending the edge really far" part.
Just like magic my winter scarf had transformed into...
something that looked nothing like a palm tree
failed to impress everyone standing in line with me.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Growing up, I don't remember there being a kid in my neighborhood who rode a unicycle when we all went bike riding.
I think that would have been cool if there had been one though and he or she was really cocky about it and was always challenging the other kids who had a 2 wheeled bike(a bicycle) to a race and called them suckers.
I have a feeling that if someone's unicycle interest began early in life
like at the age of 4 or 5,
it would play out like Ralphie's story in the movie "A Christmas Story".
The kid would always talk about wanting a unicycle for a gift but rather than everyone saying that he or she would "shoot an eye out",
they would say,
That's not safe. You might fall over and die.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The stuff I have been writing for my stand-up looks so different on paper these days.
It used to be that everything I wrote looked like a haiku on paper
lately it looks like a longer poem
sometimes even a short story.
Who knows what it will be like 10 years from now...
Maybe nothing I write will be shorter than a novel
maybe I will evolve into a prop comic who bursts onto the stage on a unicycle
maybe that's what I'll be come known as...
that girl on the unicycle.
If that happens, I apologize in advance.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Last night I went to my friend Lindsay's 30 th birthday party.
Here she is sharing a rap song?

A key element to this event was playing pool. I haven't played pool since the year 2004 and proved to be AWFUL at it back then. Regardless, I chose to play last night to see if I had gotten any better since 4 years ago. I thought it was important that I document this since I may never play again for another 4 years.

Here I am with my diva pool teamster Elaine. She was the only person brave enough to be my pool partner:

We put up a tough battle:

But in the end our opponents won(by accident):

I'm forgetting their names!!!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Forget it...
Drunky Drunk isn't a practical idea.
Don't tell anyone!
I want to come out with a line of perfume called,
Drunky Drunk.
It will come in large vodka bottle.
You apply it by pouring it over your head
screaming like you're on a roller coaster.
It will come with a pair of goggles to wear when you do that.
Don't steal my idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, February 08, 2008

Bow ties!!!!!
I used to work at an office supply store when I was younger.
I think it was when I was 19 or 20, or maybe it was 18.
I don't remember.
I do remember quitting after only a month of working there
I remember thinking everyone I worked with was really nice
I hated working there simply because they made us wear a...
I'm pretty sure I had never worn one in my life until that point.
I don't remember how I was told that it would be required to wear one.
Was it,
Here's your bow tie we feel you should wear it because it makes customers want to buy more notebooks.
Maybe it was handed to me and followed by a,
As you know the selling of pens and the wearing of bow ties go hand in hand...welcome to our empire!
Either way it made me feel like a clown(because I think clowns wear bow ties).
There was no escaping the bow tie.
I tried.
One day I didn't wear it just to see if anyone would notice.
They did.
I don't know if its common for office supply store employees to wear bow ties
I do know that the store I used to work at closed down.
That's what happens when you make people wear bow ties who don't want to wear them!

Thursday, February 07, 2008

I kicked it old school for 24 hours...
Yesterday, I bought a computer moniter that could be classified as the "Zach Morris computer moniter" because it was HUGE on account of being old school just like Zach Morris' cell phone was on "Saved by the Bell".

It was the only one left in stock and I have a feeling it was sitting in the backroom for quite sometime.

My reasoning for buying it was because I thought it would help solve a problem with my laptop
the idea of having an old school computer moniter seemed awesome to me.

When I actually brought home the mointer I realized how incorrect my "logic" had been. The ridiculous size of the moniter was not at all amusing once I actually took it out of the box. Also, it didn't help solve my laptop problem at all.
So I had to return it.

I don't know what seems stranger...
1)Being oddly excited at the check out of a store when buying what appears to be a computer moniter from the 80's
2)Or returning that same moniter the next day only giving the explanation of
I just wasn't feeling it and neither was my laptop...

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Bad marketing plan

A group of people knocked on my door the other day
in an attempt to convince me to join their religion.
I'm not sure if they were Jehovahs Witnesses or something else
I was just surprised that that still happens
as a way of spreading the word about what you believe in.
Do Girl Scouts still go door to door?
If so I have a feeling that they are far more successful at selling their cookies
than the other people are at selling their religion.

If there were a game show called, "Door to Door" that showed an on-going competition between groups of people who trying to sell the most things by a knock at the door,
Girl Scouts would always be the champions.
The show would probably get canceled pretty quickly because it would be too predictable.

On a more important note, don't forget to vote!

Monday, February 04, 2008


I watched the Super Bowl
was rooting for the Patriots.
This is the first year I had ever followed football
felt like I had somewhat of a sense of what they are doing
at the same time I still don't.
I think the main reason the Giants won was simply because they seemed to be the underdog in this and probably had more rage when they were playing because they were probably like,
Who do these Patriots think they are? They probably think they are SO special just because they seem to have won EVERY game this season. Well, fu@#$ them! We have to win and make them lose one game!

I bet people on the Giants got phone calls from other football teams who had been beaten by the Patriots saying something like,
You guys better win I'm sick of the Patriots and all their winning!

But in the end I think it was all about inner rage.
Rage makes people run faster and act more aggressive
that seems to come in handy in sports.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

What happened in those 3 hours?!

I randomly watched a snippet of a dance movie that was on TV yesterday.
I have no idea what the name of the movie was and wasn't familiar with the actors.
I tuned in to a scene where a girl was at a dance club and talking to another guy who was there. They seemed to like one another and were flirting but the girl said she had to leave because she had to be at ballet class in 3 hours.
I switched channels then came back to the movie
the girl was at said ballet class.
Her teacher didn't seem to be happy with her
said something to the effect of,
I smell alcohol on your breath! Where were you last night?!
The girl then shamefully admitted to being at a dance club.
Her teacher seemed outraged by this.
This was when I decided I had my fill of this movie.

Is it bad for people who take ballets classes to go to a dance clubs at night?
I don't understand.
Also, that's really gross that the girl still smelled liked alcohol after going to a dance club 3 hours ago.
This makes me think a few things:
1) She most likely didn't brush her teeth before going to her ballet class. Ballet class seems like something you should brush your teeth before going to.

2)When she was at the dance club she must have been doing more than drinking. She must have been puring vodka all over her body and chose not to shower before going to ballet class.

3) Maybe neither of those things happened and the real problem is that her ballet teacher is a raging alcoholic with low self esteem who just likes to accuse people of smelling like alchohol as often as possible because it makes her feel better about herself.

Since I have no idea what the name of this movie was,
I'll never know what really happened...

Saturday, February 02, 2008

I was just driving behind someone in a parking lot who randomly stopped their car and pulled out what appeared to be a book and just start reading it.
Maybe they were lost and what they were reading was a map
it looked like a book.
What better way to react when you see someone clearly driving behind you
then suddenly thinking,
Now would be a great time to just stop my car and finish that novel I was reading!
Never in my life have I appreciated the existance of a car horn so much.

Friday, February 01, 2008

I went out on an acting audition yesterday
there was another girl waiting to audition who looked a lot like a friend of mine
she happened to be the person I sat next to and chatted with when I was waiting.

The experience was an interesting switch from doing stand-up.

Auditioning for acting things(something I rarely do) makes me feel a little weird because you're reading something that someone else wrote. It makes me feel like I should call the person who wrote the lines and leave a message on their voicemail,
Hi, I don't know you but I read a sentence you wrote while a camera was taping me today. Thought you should know!
Then hang up and not leave my name.
That's what you're supposed to do, right?

On a different topic...
Lost was awesome last night.
I'm so glad it's back.

Also, go Pats!

Friday, January 25, 2008

When things seem unclear to me
I need to make an important decision like,
Should I drink another bottled water?!
I just put on my special hat
wander about the great outdoors:

Everything comes together for me that way.

Have a great weekend!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Very important thoughts on pictures.

I think for the most part people try to look their best in photos.
I'm surprised that this is what most of us do.
I think it would be better to look awful in photos:
-wear a fat suit
-take the picture from a bad angle
-make a miserable or awkward face

That way when you meet people in person they'll say
Wow, You look so much better in person.
Then you could just say
I thinks it's because I did 2 jumping jacks before I left the house...
I'm still not sure whether the B on my winter hat makes it a
Red Sox hat
a bitch hat...
I think both are teams are lovely and will continue to wear it though.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

I don't think dinosaurs would have gone there...
The concept of eggs kind of disgusts me.
When you think about they are just refrigerated, shelled, chicken fetus...

As I cracked some eggs open this morning it made me think about the days of dinasours.

For a dinosaur the equivelant of eating eggs would be eating a human baby fetus.
Would they have gone through with that?
Or would they have had the decency to say,
Hey this is where I draw the line in my dinosaur-ness! Let's just stick to eating the grown up humans, that are running away from us and throwing rocks at our heads.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

You picked the wrong day! ...
is probably one of my favorite cliche lines that people yell at one another just before they are about to begin fighting with one another.
The other night I heard I guy yelling that as I walked by him.
I was tempted to stop and watch the fight that was about to unfold
I'm sure that if I had, I would have had the cliche,
What are you looking at?!
line thrown at me.
If I ever got into a fight my line of choice would be,
You seem like someone who likes to play 52 card pick up!
I would then follow this up by throwing a deck of cards at my opponents face
running away.
That way I would be long gone by the time he or she responded by saying,
Don't act like you know me!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I think there's something wrong with me...

I seem to like going to the supermarket a little bit TOO much.
I began to notice this problem during my last semester of college(which I spent in LA).
It was the first time I had to actually do real grocery shopping every week.
For some reason I loved this.
So much so that I would invite friends to go with me sometimes.

I think the main reason I like going to supermarkets just comes down to one thing:
I just like an excuse to push a shopping cart down the aisles at a ridicuously fast pace
make sharp turns
dodge all of the other customers.
That's it...
I also just noticed a new shopping cart that has a built in car on the bottom of it with a steering wheel,
where you can put your child.
When I saw this it made me wish I had a child(for a second)
then I got distracted from this thought because I was too busy dodging other food shoppers.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Happy New Year!

I'm glad 2007 is over.
It was a good enough year but I was so done with it.
I've never been a fan of the number seven.
It's one of my least favorite numbers to write down
I hate how sometimes you need to put that little line on it to make people sure that it is indeed a seven:

It's as though we all feel the need to give seven a name tag even though we've known it's name all these years.
Maybe that means we all secretly hate seven...

I love eight though. It's 2 circles and doesn't need a name tag.

Just because of that I've decided that 2008 is already an awesome year(even if it turns out to suck).