Saturday, April 30, 2005

So apparently there was some glitch on some airline's website.
I forget which airline, my friend happened to tell me the story.
Someone was booking a trip and it said the flight price was 89 cents.
When they saw it they immediately went and booked a lot more flights for 89 cents.
I thought that was quick thinking on their part and pretty daring.
If I were booking a flight and it said the cost was 89 cents on my computer screen,
I would be like,
"89 cents? I must be hallucinating. I better shut off my computer then take a nap then try to book this flight when I stop seeing abnormally cheap prices."
Then I'd take my nap.

But this person was like,
"89 cents!!! Damn, I better book flights quick to Hawaii, and other place that seem like they are awesome to go to."

That's the way to do it.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

I leave for LA on Monday.
In LA you kind of need to get around by driving.
I love driving.
I tend to not get lost when I'm driving.
But when I walk for some reason I have no sense of direction and always end up in the wrong neighborhood.
That always happened to me in NY.
Even after living there for three years, I always found myself having to stop and ask for directions.
It made me feel like a perpetual tourist.
Every once in awhile someone would ask me for directions.
I would always get a little too excited when that happened
and think,
"Wow, someone thinks I know where I'm going and how to get there. Awesome."

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I always get scared whenever I see a group of animals running together like squirrels.
Because one squirrel alone, and eating an acorn is adorable.
But when there are like 10 squirrels running full speed by me or towards me,
it scares me.
Because it looks like they just got out of some squirrel meeting.
Now they are out of the meeting after squeaking about the hardships of being a squirrel.
And maybe one of the hardships that was squeaked about was how humans can be condescending.
So when they see me they think,
"Let's attack her, squirrel style!"(whatever squirrel style is).
I can tell that's exactly what's going on.
I'm sure of it
refuse to be a victum.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

People who sport mullets fascinate me.
To me spotting a person with a mullet is just like seeing a less magical unicorn.

Friday, April 22, 2005

I would be a bad news reporter.
I always pass on information way too late,
like after it happened.
Way after.
If I had a column it would be called, "No Shit"

I would be a bad weather reporter too.
Everyone would be pissed about my reports.
Because I'd say,
"Bundle up, it's going to be cold"
Then people would be like,
"It was 90 degrees out, and I bundled up. I can't believe I listened to the weather girl!"

Then to defend myself I would say,
"I meant 6 months ago. It was cold back then. You should have bundled up...then."

Thursday, April 21, 2005

I'm excited to go out to LA.
I have no reason for going.
I'm just going.
Well I do have a reason:
the palm trees.
I love palm trees.
They have spunk.
They are the drag queens of the tree family.
I'm a fan of anything that is naturally tacky, even if it's simply a tree.
Walk the runway...palm trees.

One year I dressed up as a palm tree for halloween.
I teased my hair so it stuck up all the way out all over my head,
then I sprayed painted it green.
I wore a brown outfit.
No one knew what I was supposed to be,
due to the fact that I am too stout to portray the role of the palm tree.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I just got off the phone with my friend.
She said they DO sell t-shirts in LA.
Ok, so I thought a bit more about this t-shirt thing and decided to hold off.
Instead I'm just going to go to LA.
I flipped a coin.
Heads was the "meow" t-shirt.
Tails was LA.
I got tails.
I'm sure they sell t-shirts out there though.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Maybe I better think this whole meow t-shirt thing through a bit more.
I don't know if it's a good idea to walk around in public wearing a uniform,
when I'm not trained for the job.
I don't want to give people the wrong idea.
People might see the t-shirt and think I sell cats.
What the hell am I supposed to do if people ask how much the cats cost!?
Tell them that none are for sale?

I don't think so.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Wow, I've been posting things on my blog a lot.
Thanks for reading those things.
When I first started this blog, I never posted on it.
And when I actually did I would just talk about how I never posted on it.
Look at me now though.
I've totally turn things around:
I post on my blog a lot
I'm considering buying a t-shirt that says "meow" on it.

Way to go.

Sunday, April 17, 2005


Looks like finding this t-shirt isn't as hard as I thought.
That's good to know.
This reminds of that time(not too long ago)
when I was worried about keeping in touch with people.
Don't get me wrong, I own a telephone.
But what if it stopped working?
What would I do?
Thinking about that made me flip out.
I kept walking around(outdoors) and shouting,
"How the hell am I supposed to keep in touch?!"

Then a stranger approached me and said,
"You know, email has been invented."

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Yeah right!
Where the hell am I going to find a t-shirt like that?

Friday, April 15, 2005

But I don't even think I would get hired at the zoo.
When I was in college I majored in Creative Writing.
There's no "Z" or "O" in Creative Writing, my friend!
I obviously wasn't planning ahead...
Maybe I could get the job by being charming.
During my interview I would wear a t-shirt that said,
"Meow" , on it.
I think the zoo staff would be impressed.
They'd be like,
"Wow, she likes to quote cats. She's so hired at this zoo."

Maybe I would have a falcon perched on my arm too.
That would make a good converstion piece during the interview.
The zoo staff would probably say,
"Hey Val, what's up with the falcon?"

Then I would say,
"Her name is Francene."

Then they would be like,

Then I'd say,
"You never see cats and falcons together. I'm trying to change that. Everyday I make Francene read my "Meow" t-shirt. Then ask her if she knows who I took that quote from."

Then everyone at the zoo would be like,
"Welcome to the zoo staff, Val Kappa!"

Thursday, April 14, 2005

I could never work at the zoo.
I would be tempted to set the animals free.
Then part of me would be like,
"Don't do it, lions aren't meant to run around in the city. That might cause a problem."
Then I would be torn:
Should I set the animals free or not?
Sometimes it's hard to make decisions.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

If you're in the Cambridge area...

I'll be doing a spot this Friday and Saturday(4/15 and 4/16)
The Comedy Studio in Harvard Square
Mass. Ave in Cambridge, MA

Do you want to go?

If you do, you should make reservations at this number: 1-617-661-6507

Both shows start at 8pm

I'll be doing stand-up and so will some other funny folks.

I will NOT be talking about Pandas.
I don't want to own a Panda anymore.
Forget it.
But it is Panda month.
I don't know if you were aware, but it is.
I don't want to own a Panda anymore.
But I still think they are adorable.
I found out that there is a way to adopt a Panda.
Maybe I'll just do that.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

I want to own Panda.
I decided this last night.
I was watching tv with a couple of my friends and we stopped on a movie called
"Panda Adventure".
It was the end of a movie.
For some reason a Panda bear was running through a field.
I don't know if it was because he had just gotten back from the "adventure" mentioned in the movie's title
because he had just mustered up enough courage to embark on said adventure.
All I know is the Panda was runnning and it was adorable.
I have no idea what happened in the movie.
Did he have Panda friends?
Or was he a loner?
Quite frankly I don't care.
If you know the answer to my question don't email them to me.
Keep it to yourself.
I don't want to know.
All that I do know is I want a Panda.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

R.I.P Mitch Hedberg :(

So original and funny.
I never got to work with or even meet him.
I was just a huge fan.
When I was in college I got to see him do an hour for only $5.
I still brag about that.