Thursday, August 30, 2007

I think people tend to think of tourists as being annoying.
I've never really found that to be the case in Boston
or Harvard Square. I've spent alot of time in these 2 locations doing comedy and holding some partime jobs in the past and I've always found the people visiting to be really cool. It's always made working and doing comedy there a lot of fun.

I think the only time I've seen a real annoying tourist situation was when I was living in NY.
I was walking through Times Square and got caught behind a group of slow walking tourists who were taking a lot of pictures.
Which is not the annoying part. Most people take pictures when they are visiting somewhere. It makes sense.
But the thing I found annoying is while walking behind them I noticed a bit of a protest going on to my right
it was really intense.
The tourists didn't seem to notice that though.
Instead they said,
"Oh my God you guys! Look it's the MTV building!"
put their focus on that and took a snapshot.
I think I would have gone the other route and taken a picture and been very "Oh my God!" by the intense protest.
But maybe if I had yelled, "Oh my God! A real protest!" and taken a picture of it,
they would have thought I was the annoying one.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

It would be really annoying if there was a reality show called,
"The Girly Push-up Challenge",
that followed the lives of 10 women who live in a house together
as they undergo "intense" training to make themselves physically capable of doing girly push-ups.
There would probably be one cast member who kept crying everytime she picked up a 5lb dumb bell weight
would say something like,
"I can't do it! This is too heavy for me! Why are you doing this to us!?"

Then a personal trainer would step forward and say,
"Because you said you wanted to be on the show...and you signed the release form and contract."

Then someone else would probably start crying too
say something like,
"This show is such a mind fuck!!!!"

Monday, August 27, 2007

You never know...

A few months back I was inspired to make my arms stronger in an attempt to eventually be able to do a chin up.
This inspiration came from always seeing a scene in action type movies where someone is hanging on to the edge of cliff(or something else) for dear life
the only thing that could possibly save them is:
a) someone magically showing up and hoisting them up to safety
b) they do a chin up and hoist themself up to safety.

Seeing this type of scene again and again made me think,
"Wow what if I were ever hanging on to an edge of a cliff(of someting else) for dear life?"

That was when I decided it was time to prepare myself for such a situation.
Thus began my training to survive a cliff hanging dilemna.

I started out having difficulty doing a mere 10 girly push-ups
now after a few months of training(with not much effort) I can do 40 girly push-ups without a problem.
This is not impressive.

In conclusion,
if I were to be hanging off of a cliff(or something else) for dear life,
I would most likely fall to my death.

at least I would be able to honestly yell,
"I can do 40 girly push-ups!"
as I fell down to my tragic death.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Straight to DVD nightmares

So for the last 2 nights I have been having these dreams at night that feel like horrific nightmares while I'm having them
then when I wake up, I'm like,
"That was such a stupid nightmare that it it wasn't even a nightmare."
While I was dreaming them they felt scary though.

"Nightmare" #1:
I went to an old school movie theatre alone.
I bought my ticket then I couldn't control where I was walking.
I ended up involuntary walking into the wrong theatre
sitting on someone's lap.
Then the movie started and it was one I had already seen before.
So I started screaming, as though something treacherous was happening.
Then the person whose lap I was sitting on said,
"You have to watch the whole movie...AGAIN!".

"Nightmare" #2:
I'm walking home from somewhere.
When I get to the door I notice it's unlocked.
So I carefully go inside.
I walk into the living room to find the tv is on(Sesame Street is the show that's on it).
Then I notice an empty Capri Sun drink on the couch.
This causes me to scream and run out of the house yelling,
"Someone has been here!"

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Oh technology!

Because of digital cameras I never bring pictures to be developed anymore
wanted to see if a few pictures I had stored online would translate well to print.
It so easy to print photos now. All it takes is a simple upload and an email.
Then within an hour or less you can have your photos ready
for some bizarre reason the 2 people who sent in their photos in just before you decided that they wanted to have 1000 photos developed each!
This exactly what happened to me this week.
If it hadn't been for these 2 people my pictures would have been ready in about 15 minutes
because of their 1000 photos each my 15 minutes turned into 12 hours.
Then when 12 hours was up my pictures still weren't ready.
I felt kind bitchy about it,
then kind of caught myself because I remembered a simpler time when I was a kid and took pictures with my Fisher Price camera and was perfectly happy with waiting for a week or even two weeks to see how the pictures I had taken of my stuffed animals had turned out.

I predict in the future cameras won't even exist.
We'll all just ear contact lenses and blink when we want to take a photo.
Then if you want to have your pictures developed all you'll have to do is puke.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Accidental gossip

It seems like being a gossip columnist might be a fun thing to be
you're one of those people who always has a guilty conscious
feels bad about talking crap about people when they leave the room.
I bet somewhere there is a highly successful gossip columnist who got there by accident.
They didn't mean for anyone to read that essay they wrote that trashed that one person,
but for some reason it fell into the hands of someone who read it and turned it into a money maker,
so they wrote another essay
then another
then another
then another
thought well I can't quit now...on my 5th essay.
So they stuck with it, just because.

It would probably be cooler to be the person who discovers the gossip columnist.
What would that job title be?
Bitch Scout?

Monday, August 20, 2007

Jerk at the hospital...

I wonder if people who work at hospitals have that one co-worker who is the "jerk at the hospital"
kind of like people who work at an office have a "jerk at the office".
I bet they do.
I bet at some point a woman went to a hospital to give birth to a baby,
then once she got into the delivery room the "jerk at the hospital" came bursting into the room
annoyed and embarrassed the hospital staff by saying something like,
"Looks like somebody got laid!"
then held his or her hand out and waited for a high five from the woman giving birth.

Friday, August 17, 2007

I think I'd be the worst person to be in a debate or argument with
this isn't because I'm good at arguing or debating with people.
It's because if someone says something I don't agree with I do one of three things:
1)Block out what they're saying and ignore them and flee from the scene.
2)Tell them that they suck.
3)Tell them that they should shut up.

Usually people get annoyed when you do that as a comeback in a debate or argument and they get even more annoying because then they start yelling their opinions at you.

That usually makes me laugh at them.

Then they get pissed off that I'm laughing at them and they walk away.

Then I yell,
"I totally won!" at them.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

That last post will probably be expanded into another unfinished screenplay, that I'll put in some pile somewhere and forget about...then one day I'll find it and decide it sucks and laugh at the fact that I spent a number of hours writing/typing a screenplay based on one line that randomly popped into my head when I was caught in traffic the other day.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Ineffective pick-up line:

Hey..are you the one I banged in high school?

Sunday, August 12, 2007

It wouldn't be long until the scene looked like this:

because I had gotten fired when it was discovered that I had been hanging up on everyone that called after saying,
to them.

Friday, August 10, 2007

This is what I would look like if I worked at an office and I actually listened to what people were saying when I was in charge of answering phones: