Friday, December 23, 2005

Hope you all have a great Holiday
Happy New Year!
Thanks again for reading this(even though I haven't been posting things so much lately)
thanks for all of your support over the last year.
My New Years resolution is to post more posts.
I have other resolutions too.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Have a nice weekend!

Sorry about the post I had up about the PB episode reairing on Thurs...
That turned out to not be true, apparently.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
This is why I could never make it as a news reporter ;)

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Sorry I haven't been posting anything...
I'll be back posting things now and even trying to put up more pictures.

Thanks to everyone who caught me on Premium Blend on Friday and sent me nice emails and messages/comments on myspace!
I LOVE to hear from you.
That was the first time my stand-up had ever appeared on tv,
so I was pretty excited.
There is a link to most of my set if you look on the right.
Click on "Clip from Comedy Central".

Big thanks to CC for putting me on TV!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Check me out on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" this Friday.
It's on at 11:30pm EST.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Hey Everybody, have a great Thanksgiving!

Thanks for reading my blog, coming to my shows and all of your support.
I appreciate it.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I saw a deer crossing the highway for the first time ever over the weekend
of all places it was in Massachusetts in my hometown.
Last winter when I was in the midwest, I was terrified that I would be driving then end up hitting a deer because there were deer crossing signs everywhere
every now and I would notice an occasional dead deer on the sides of some of the highways.
People warned me about them too.
I never once saw a deer running across the highway though.
But then I come home and see one here of all places.
How weird is that?
It kind of looked like a scared horse galloping across the highway.
Pretty random.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Oh and another thing...

Click on the myspace link to the right if you want
look at my profile.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

There is this one cat in my neighborhood that doesn't wear a collar.
I see him all the time.
Or maybe it's a her,
I don't know...
It creeps me out(him or her).
I cross paths with it a lot.
It's an adorable cat.
But it's always the adorable things that end up being secretly vicious.
I'm convinced it's a baby bobcat or tiger and the reason it's staring is because it's waiting to pounce and attack.
Either that or maybe it just has astigmatism, and when he stares at me he thinks,
"I think that blurry blob is stalking me... maybe if I just stand still and stare at her she'll go away."

Friday, November 04, 2005

Last night I had a dream that I was wearing skis that had wheels on the bottom of them.
Do those really exist?
I have no idea.
But if they do, it makes me want to try it out to see if I'd be good at using them.
In the dream I sucked.
I didn't fall over or anything.
It just seemed clear that if "roller skiing" were an event in the olympics,
I would not be qualified to compete.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Halloween is such a fun holiday.
I love dressing up every year, and going to parties.

I bet there are people who refuse who refuse to let go of trick or treating.

If I live to be really old I want to start going trick or treating again,
demand candy.

The candy giver will be like,
"Aren't you about 90yrs too old for this?

Then maybe I'll accuse them of hating the elderly,
and tell them to give me candy to erase the pain of their discrimination.

When asked what my costume is,
I would say,
"I'm a junior high girl from the 90's who is outraged that "My So Called Life" got cancelled."

Then they would be like,
"Oh but it kind of looks like you're dressed up like a panda bear..."

Then I would demand candy again to wash away the pain of them thinking my panda bear costume doesn't look like a a junior high girl from the 90's who's outraged that
"My So Called Life" got cancelled.

Monday, October 24, 2005

I did a fun show at Drake University in Iowa on Saturday.
Thanks to everyone who came out to the show!
Thanks to SAB for swindling everyone into going!

I love traveling and doing shows it's one of my favorite things.
But for some reason whenever I take an airplane, I always seem
to sit next to someone who falls asleep then ends up leaning on me and snoring.
This person never wakes up no matter how many time I punch them in face.
Just kidding, I wouldn't do that...
But serously no matter how many times I punch them they never wake up.
Instead they just start snoring louder.
When they finally wake up they're always startled and say,
"Was I leaning on you the whole trip?"
Then I'm like, "Yeah."
Then they're like,"Well why didn't you say something?!"
Then I'm like,"Because I think I've fallen in love with you..."

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Either that or they would honk their horn at me
and start cursing at me because they would think I'm an idiot.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I admire people who go jogging in public.
They seem so focused and like they don't care what people think.
That's awesome, keep running.
I want to start running in public,
but only for 4 feet.
I'll run really fast for that 4 feet.
Then raise my arms up in the air when I'm done.
When cars drive by and see me doing that I bet they'll think I just won a running race,
and honk their horn to congratulate me on my victory.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

If you did show up for an interview wearing Flip Flops
they did hire you,
then that would mean that you just found the best job ever.
Maybe you should wear Flips Flops to an interview.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I don't think there is such a thing as Flip Flop season.
So, that last post was obviously pointless.
What the hell was I trying to pull?!
The only thing I can tell you about Flip Flops is:

Don't show up for a job interviews wearing them.

You probably won't get hired.

Monday, October 10, 2005

I think Flip Flop season might be over.
It may have ended awhile ago, but I'm not sure.
I don't know the rules of fashion very well.
I know there is some rule about not wearing white after Labor Day.
But what if your Flip Flops are orange?
Where the hell does that fit into the system!?
Maybe Columbus Day is the cut off day for Flip Flops.
I'm doing to pretend it is, even if it isn't.

Flip Flop season is over!

Friday, October 07, 2005

Or maybe the full moon thing would reveal something about the person you're walking with.
Maybe after you said,
"Look at the full moon!"
They would say,
"Full Moon! This is the perfect time for me to put on my magic cloak and put spell on you. Wha ha ha!".

Then maybe from that you might be like,
"I think I'm good to go. Have a nice night now!"
Then quickly run away.

Or maybe none of those things would happen.
Maybe you would just walk down the street with your new friend,
and be very happy about it.

Have a great weekend
Thanks for reading this!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The full moon plan might backfire though.
Be careful.
You could be walking down the street with your friend then say,
"Look, a full moon!"
Then your friend might think,
"Why is she so excited about a full moon? That's really creepy. I bet she's a wolf."
Then your friend will say,
"I see what's going on here!",
then power walk away from you or something.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

One of my favorite things about a full moon, is that if you happen to be walking down the street with someone you just met and there seems to be a lull in conversation, and it feels awkward, you can just point and say,

"Look, a full moon!"

Then things seem less awkward, as you both take notice of the full moon and point at it.

Friday, September 30, 2005

I wonder if trapeze artists frown upon people who go bungee jumping.
I bet they do.

If I were a trapeze artist and decided to quit the art of trapeze,
I think I'd call all my friends and be like,
"Lets go bungee jumping! I want to not hold on to anything and let myself fall for a change."

Thursday, September 29, 2005

A trapeze artist probably starts out when he or she is a kid.
It begins as just wanting to be good at swinging from monkey bars.
Then he acheives that goal, then gets so good that the other kids get jealous
and call him names like, "Monkey Boy" or "Monkey Girl".
So he gets angry by this and thinks,
"I'm going to join the circus someday, and swing professionally!".
Then he actually does join the circus.
One night the people who mocked him are in the audience
and he sees them and yells,
"Look what Monkey Boy has done!", just before he swings from the trapeze.
Then the people who mocked him growing up are probably like,
"I can't believe Monkey Boy still swings from things."

Or maybe it's not like that at all.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Sorry about that last post...

What I meant to say is, I'm finally getting a website!

Stay tuned.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I want to start a clothing line called,
"I Wear My Emotions on my Sleeves".

Stay tuned!

Monday, September 19, 2005

That's when the where are you based question turns into,
"OK then, where are you from?"
"Well, a suburb outside of it, then I ended up living in actual Boston, then NY."
"I thought you had an accent."
"I don't have an accent..."
"Yes you do."
"No I don't. You have an accent."
"No I don't."
"Yes you do. Where are you from?"
"As you can tell by my 'I Love KY' t-shirt,I'm from Kentucky."
"I thought I heard a Boston accent."
"I don't have a Boston accent..."
"Me neither."

Sunday, September 18, 2005

It's hard to figure out where to be based.
Or maybe that's just me...
On other people blogs or websites they seem to be clear about.
Some people might be like, "I'm based in Kentucky!"

People always want to know where you're based.
"Where are you based, Val?"
"Well where's here?"
"I don't know...somewhere."
"And where might that be?"
"I don't know...wherever."

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

I have no explanation for the photo of the frogs hugging.
This is how I react when tragic things happen.
I post pictures of...plush frogs.
I rummage through my belongings and yell,
"Where the hell are the plush frogs! They need to be photographed for everyone to see!"

In conclusion, here's a link to Red Cross that you probably already know about.
Donate money to the hurricane victums or something.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I went to NY to do "Premium Blend" over the weekend.
It was a lot of fun.
Everyone involved with the show was nice and accommodating
the audience was great.
I was happy with how my set went.
The episode I'm on features Felipe Esparza, Kevin Shea, myself, and Dan Levy.
I got to meet a lot of cool new folks, and catch up with old friends.
I don't know when it will air on Comedy Central, but when I find out I'll post it here.
Keep an eye out for it.
Thanks to everyone who came out to support!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I went down to Rhode Island on Sunday with my friend to do a show in Newport,
where I opened for Harland Williams.
It was a lot of fun.
The lesson I learned is:
Don't try to bang a U-ey on the highway.

Monday, August 08, 2005

So I mentioned that I was going to be back in New York at the end of August
because I was one of the comics who got picked to be on the show
"Premium Blend" on Comedy Central.
I found out that the night I'm taping is Friday August 26th @9pm
Damon Wayans is hosting this year!

Monday, August 01, 2005

So I've been back in Massachusetts this month
will be here the rest of the summer.
Sometimes when I'm driving home after a show at night in Boston
there will be a random detour that pops up that makes getting home a bit confusing.
I think the detour is from the "Big Dig", which seems weird because I thought they had already finished that.
One night a detour actually made me get lost.
I felt like such a loser.
I find it odd, that I was able to drive from North Dakota to Minnesota,
and even South Dakota to Iowa this year with out a problem.
All places I had never been to.
But then I come back to the place I grew up and can't even find my way home.
How weird is that?

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

I'm back in Boston.
I got back last week
I took a red eye flight.
I think they call it the red eye because if you don't sleep through the flight,
you'll probably get pissed then your eyes will turn red...or maybe not.
I think not.
I liked being in LA.
I know a a lot of people who don't though.
I think my only gripe with being out there was that there were 2 earthquakes in one week.
That's crazy!
I've never been in an earthquake my entire life, then I go for a visit and BAM,
2 earthquakes.
They weren't bad where I was.
It kind of felt like a train was driving by or something.
Not too many of my friends felt it.
And I felt like a lot of people weren't concerned.
But c'mon...2 eathquakes!

Also, I got a load of parking tickets out there.
Other than the earthquakes and the parking tickets,
I like LA.
But I wasn't right in LA, I was in Glendale.
So maybe I should say I like Glendale.
I like LA too though.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

I'm leaving to go back to the east coast today
and haven't even packed.
I've been procrastinating for hours.
Maybe I should just throw everything away.
I won't have to pack it that way.
Just throw everything right out the window.
No, that's stupid.
I'll just pack.

Monday, June 13, 2005

I'll be back in New York at the end of August
to do a taping for Premium Blend on Comedy Central!


I never thought I'd go hiking.
I have though.
I've gone on more than one occasion.
I wasn't even sure what hiking entailed.
I always thought it meant that you walked around carrying a huge stick.
Or maybe you had to bring rope and lasoo it to the top of the hiking place,
then start climbing.
It's none of those things(at least when I went hiking it wasn't those things).
When I went it was basically just walking up and down hill and getting out of breath.
Sometimes the hill can get steep and you feel like you might fall over(at least I did).
I actually like it.
But it makes me realize how out of shape I am...

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I took this picture with my cell phone. I'll use a real camera next time... Posted by Hello

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Sorry I haven't posted anything.
I got distracted by the palm trees...
I'll be back on Tuesday.

Monday, May 23, 2005

I got caught in hour and a half of traffic on Saturday night.
An hour and a half!
It totally blew.
I've never been caught in traffic like that before.
I always thought the freeway was where the traffic happened in LA.
Apparently not.
This traffic jam was so not on the freeway.
I avoided the freeway on purpose, just for that reason.
I took a bunch of streets thinking I was outsmarting traffic.
I just drove right into it.
I kept taking more side streets to try to dodge it but that made me get further into it too.
There was crazy traffic because of a concert going on in Hollywood.
Alicia Keys and someone else were performing there.
I ended up missing a spot I had at a club called Bonkerz
I've never missed spot or show because I got caught in traffic before.
It felt weird.
When I was leaving the "oil change" sign lit up on my car.
I think it was the cars way of saying,
"I'm pissed off about the traffic too, Val"

I felt like I was being tested on whether or not I should stay in LA for good.

Friday, May 20, 2005

But enough about the 98 and 99 cent stores.

I got a parking ticket the other day.
It was because my car was parked too far away from the curb.
It SO wasn't by the way.

Last night when I came home I found an awesome parking space.
It was great.
I thought,
"I can't believe no one parked here."

It made me feel like a gifted parker of cars.

But this morning when I walked to my car I realized why no one had parked in the awesome parking space.
It was because it wasn't a parking space.
It was the entry to someone's driveway.
So you'd think I'd get a ticket for blocking a driveway.
No, no ticket.
Not even a note that said something like,
"Who the hell do you think you are blocking my driveway!'

Thursday, May 19, 2005

It probably doesn't go down that way though.
If there is an employee discount for eployees at the 99 and 98 cent stores
I'm sure they just use it without shame because everyone likes a bargain.
Maybe there is just one person who works there who refuses to use it though.
They think they are too good for it.
All they ever talk about is how they don't need to be working at the 99 and 98 cent store.
The person is a rich eccentric who just works there for kicks.
At least that's what they claim...
They keep talking about how they live in a mansion.
But everyone at the 99 and 98 cent thinks the person is making it up all up,
they all agree that the person sucks.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I wonder if employees at the 98 and 99 cent stores get an employee discount.
If they do I bet they don't use it because they don't want to seem cheap.
It probably just makes for a good converstion piece amongst the staff when there aren't too many customers:
"Hey you guys do you dare me to use my employee discount? I'm going to do it. I swear!".

Then I bet that would be a funny story for awhile at the workplace:
"Remember that time Sally actually used her employee discount? That was hilarious.
Sally is out of her mind!"

I bet there is one person on the staff who uses the employee discount in an un-ironic fashion. Everyone probably makes fun of that person and sticks post it notes to their back that say things like,
"I'm full of non-cents".

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

It could have been the other way around.
Maybe the 98 cent store came out first.
Then someone got fired from that and thought,
"I'll show them.
I'll open up a store and charge one penny more and get more customers.
98 cents my ass!"

Monday, May 16, 2005

I wonder if the 99 cent store knows about the 98 cent store.
They must.
They probably found out about it right away.
I bet they were pissed for five minutes.
Then they started laughing when the five minutes was up.

They probably sent staff members over to the 98 cent store one at a time to keep asking questions like,
"How much does stuff cost here, 99 cents?"

Then the person working at the 98 cent store would be like,
"No 98 cents, just like the name of our store."

Then the 99 cent person would be like,
"Why is it cheaper than 99 cents. This store sucks. I'm going to the 99 cent store for one cent more of quality."

Thursday, May 12, 2005

I drove past a 98 cent store yesterday.
I didn't know that there were 98 cent stores.
I've only seen 99 cent stores.

I wonder if what I saw was the only 98 cent store.
I bet it is, and the owner is a former employee of the 99 cent chain.
He or she got fired, then got pissed about the firing.
In retaliation the 98 cent store was opened.
Maybe not though.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

One of my favorite things about driving is when someone flashes their lights at you
as a signal that a police car is up ahead checking your speed on a radar thing.
I think that's special that we've all come together as a people and created a signal
to help us avoid a speeding ticket.
That IS what that means, right?
Yeah, it is.
That would be weird if it didn't mean that
what it really meant was f-u.
It doesn't though...right?

Friday, May 06, 2005

Spiders should have hooves like horses.
That way you can hear them when they're approaching.
You'd hear them galloping.
But that might make them creepier.
Also, the hooves might make it difficult for them to hang out on their spider webs,
climb walls.
I guess hooves aren't a good idea after all.
It's a good thing they don't have them.
That worked out well.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Bees scare me though.
They scare most people.
For me the fear comes from wondering if the bee I'm seeing is a killer bee that wandered away from a huge swarm.
This has been a concern of mine ever since I saw some killer bee movie a few years ago.
There's a lot of killer bug movies.
Most of them seem to be about spiders though.
Killer spiders are scarier than bees.
Because they don't have to work in groups.
Most spiders seem to work solo
they walk really slow.
Which creeps me out.
Because that makes me think that they're cocky.
They're like,
"Hey ya know what, I'm deadly. You can run away and scream as loud as you want. I don't care. I'm just going to crawl really slow because I know it looks creepy and that's what I'm all about: creeping you out. So go ahead, run and scream.
I think it's hilarious."
I'm so glad spiders don't fly and make buzzing noises like bees.
That would be a scary movie:

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Yesterday there was a huge bee that kind of lunged at me.
Do bees lunge?
No, I don't think they do but I'm not sure what other word to use to describe the huge bee's action.
The huge bee swooped at me, and scared the shit out me?
Sure, why not.
The bee swooped at me and I started screaming and cursing at the top of my lungs.
And people in their cars saw me flipping out, and most likely heard me screaming at the abnormally huge bee.
But of course they probably didn't see the bee.
They just saw me flailing my arms like a crazy.
Great, I love when people randomly spy me flailing my arms and screaming.

I bet it wasn't even a bee.
It was huge.
It was a mutant, from a sewer.
Or maybe it was a humming bird,
with rabies.
Do humming birds attack like that?

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

I flew into LA yesterday.
It was alot more jam packed then some of the other flights I've been on this year.
Apparently the a flight to LA is a bit more in demand than a flight to Iowa,
or the Dakotas.
Who knew.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

So apparently there was some glitch on some airline's website.
I forget which airline, my friend happened to tell me the story.
Someone was booking a trip and it said the flight price was 89 cents.
When they saw it they immediately went and booked a lot more flights for 89 cents.
I thought that was quick thinking on their part and pretty daring.
If I were booking a flight and it said the cost was 89 cents on my computer screen,
I would be like,
"89 cents? I must be hallucinating. I better shut off my computer then take a nap then try to book this flight when I stop seeing abnormally cheap prices."
Then I'd take my nap.

But this person was like,
"89 cents!!! Damn, I better book flights quick to Hawaii, and other place that seem like they are awesome to go to."

That's the way to do it.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

I leave for LA on Monday.
In LA you kind of need to get around by driving.
I love driving.
I tend to not get lost when I'm driving.
But when I walk for some reason I have no sense of direction and always end up in the wrong neighborhood.
That always happened to me in NY.
Even after living there for three years, I always found myself having to stop and ask for directions.
It made me feel like a perpetual tourist.
Every once in awhile someone would ask me for directions.
I would always get a little too excited when that happened
and think,
"Wow, someone thinks I know where I'm going and how to get there. Awesome."

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I always get scared whenever I see a group of animals running together like squirrels.
Because one squirrel alone, and eating an acorn is adorable.
But when there are like 10 squirrels running full speed by me or towards me,
it scares me.
Because it looks like they just got out of some squirrel meeting.
Now they are out of the meeting after squeaking about the hardships of being a squirrel.
And maybe one of the hardships that was squeaked about was how humans can be condescending.
So when they see me they think,
"Let's attack her, squirrel style!"(whatever squirrel style is).
I can tell that's exactly what's going on.
I'm sure of it
refuse to be a victum.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

People who sport mullets fascinate me.
To me spotting a person with a mullet is just like seeing a less magical unicorn.

Friday, April 22, 2005

I would be a bad news reporter.
I always pass on information way too late,
like after it happened.
Way after.
If I had a column it would be called, "No Shit"

I would be a bad weather reporter too.
Everyone would be pissed about my reports.
Because I'd say,
"Bundle up, it's going to be cold"
Then people would be like,
"It was 90 degrees out, and I bundled up. I can't believe I listened to the weather girl!"

Then to defend myself I would say,
"I meant 6 months ago. It was cold back then. You should have bundled up...then."

Thursday, April 21, 2005

I'm excited to go out to LA.
I have no reason for going.
I'm just going.
Well I do have a reason:
the palm trees.
I love palm trees.
They have spunk.
They are the drag queens of the tree family.
I'm a fan of anything that is naturally tacky, even if it's simply a tree.
Walk the runway...palm trees.

One year I dressed up as a palm tree for halloween.
I teased my hair so it stuck up all the way out all over my head,
then I sprayed painted it green.
I wore a brown outfit.
No one knew what I was supposed to be,
due to the fact that I am too stout to portray the role of the palm tree.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I just got off the phone with my friend.
She said they DO sell t-shirts in LA.
Ok, so I thought a bit more about this t-shirt thing and decided to hold off.
Instead I'm just going to go to LA.
I flipped a coin.
Heads was the "meow" t-shirt.
Tails was LA.
I got tails.
I'm sure they sell t-shirts out there though.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Maybe I better think this whole meow t-shirt thing through a bit more.
I don't know if it's a good idea to walk around in public wearing a uniform,
when I'm not trained for the job.
I don't want to give people the wrong idea.
People might see the t-shirt and think I sell cats.
What the hell am I supposed to do if people ask how much the cats cost!?
Tell them that none are for sale?

I don't think so.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Wow, I've been posting things on my blog a lot.
Thanks for reading those things.
When I first started this blog, I never posted on it.
And when I actually did I would just talk about how I never posted on it.
Look at me now though.
I've totally turn things around:
I post on my blog a lot
I'm considering buying a t-shirt that says "meow" on it.

Way to go.

Sunday, April 17, 2005


Looks like finding this t-shirt isn't as hard as I thought.
That's good to know.
This reminds of that time(not too long ago)
when I was worried about keeping in touch with people.
Don't get me wrong, I own a telephone.
But what if it stopped working?
What would I do?
Thinking about that made me flip out.
I kept walking around(outdoors) and shouting,
"How the hell am I supposed to keep in touch?!"

Then a stranger approached me and said,
"You know, email has been invented."

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Yeah right!
Where the hell am I going to find a t-shirt like that?

Friday, April 15, 2005

But I don't even think I would get hired at the zoo.
When I was in college I majored in Creative Writing.
There's no "Z" or "O" in Creative Writing, my friend!
I obviously wasn't planning ahead...
Maybe I could get the job by being charming.
During my interview I would wear a t-shirt that said,
"Meow" , on it.
I think the zoo staff would be impressed.
They'd be like,
"Wow, she likes to quote cats. She's so hired at this zoo."

Maybe I would have a falcon perched on my arm too.
That would make a good converstion piece during the interview.
The zoo staff would probably say,
"Hey Val, what's up with the falcon?"

Then I would say,
"Her name is Francene."

Then they would be like,

Then I'd say,
"You never see cats and falcons together. I'm trying to change that. Everyday I make Francene read my "Meow" t-shirt. Then ask her if she knows who I took that quote from."

Then everyone at the zoo would be like,
"Welcome to the zoo staff, Val Kappa!"

Thursday, April 14, 2005

I could never work at the zoo.
I would be tempted to set the animals free.
Then part of me would be like,
"Don't do it, lions aren't meant to run around in the city. That might cause a problem."
Then I would be torn:
Should I set the animals free or not?
Sometimes it's hard to make decisions.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

If you're in the Cambridge area...

I'll be doing a spot this Friday and Saturday(4/15 and 4/16)
The Comedy Studio in Harvard Square
Mass. Ave in Cambridge, MA

Do you want to go?

If you do, you should make reservations at this number: 1-617-661-6507

Both shows start at 8pm

I'll be doing stand-up and so will some other funny folks.

I will NOT be talking about Pandas.
I don't want to own a Panda anymore.
Forget it.
But it is Panda month.
I don't know if you were aware, but it is.
I don't want to own a Panda anymore.
But I still think they are adorable.
I found out that there is a way to adopt a Panda.
Maybe I'll just do that.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

I want to own Panda.
I decided this last night.
I was watching tv with a couple of my friends and we stopped on a movie called
"Panda Adventure".
It was the end of a movie.
For some reason a Panda bear was running through a field.
I don't know if it was because he had just gotten back from the "adventure" mentioned in the movie's title
because he had just mustered up enough courage to embark on said adventure.
All I know is the Panda was runnning and it was adorable.
I have no idea what happened in the movie.
Did he have Panda friends?
Or was he a loner?
Quite frankly I don't care.
If you know the answer to my question don't email them to me.
Keep it to yourself.
I don't want to know.
All that I do know is I want a Panda.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

R.I.P Mitch Hedberg :(

So original and funny.
I never got to work with or even meet him.
I was just a huge fan.
When I was in college I got to see him do an hour for only $5.
I still brag about that.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I still can't believe I stepped on gum earlier.
That's so out of character for me.
I always look before I step.
I never step before I look.
I'm devastated.
I didn't even bother to remove the gum from my sneaker.
I decided to keep it there in memorium of the gum stepping.
The downside to that is that things stick to my sneaker as I walk around.
I found a note stuck to it that said,

Go get 'em George!
You know who

It made me wonder.
Did George ever get this message?
Did "You know who" drop the note before he or she could get the note to George?
I bet "You know who" dropped it, and doesn't even know.
They're walking around thinking, "Wow, I can't wait to give this note to George."
Then all of a sudden I walk into town with my gum clad sneaker and savagely take the note away.
George will never get the message now.
He'll always walk through life not knowing that "You know who" wanted him to "Go get 'em".

All because I stepped without looking.
I stepped on a piece of gum today.
I didn't see it.
I can't believe it.
I just stepped on it.
Right when I stepped on it I could have sworn I saw this person try to make eye contact with me after it happened.
I hate when people do that.
Do I look like I need eye contact?
Does this look like a dating service?

Friday, March 25, 2005

I was in NY on Wednesday.
I haven't been there since December.
So it was cool to see people.
NY is obviously a great city, but just not for me I don't think.
I remember the first time I went to NY and walked through Times Square I was really overwhelmed.
Most people are.
It can be a pretty intense thing to walk through if you're visiting for the first time.
It's super crowded, and then there's the whole bright lights big city factor.
For the longest time I always thought Times Square looked like a power outage waiting to happen.
So I wouldn't walk through it, I would just look at it from a few blocks away then point at it and say, "There it is."

But now I feel fine about walking through it.
And I feel like when I do I act like a cliche New Yorker:
I walk obnoxiously fast, and start cursing at people who walk slow,
giving them the finger, and constantly ordering bagels and throwing them at people who dare to make eye contact with me.

It feels good to go full circle like that.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

I quit smoking cigarettes this year(again).
I was never a hardcore smoker.
I know what your saying.
You're like, "Hey Val, haven't you heard that smoking is bad for you?"
Yeah, I did hear.
That wasn't even the main reason why I quit though.
It wasn't the health factor.
It was the being judged factor.
I don't seem like someone who would smoke, and people would always point that out.
"Since when do you smoke, Val?"
"Are you even inhaling?"
Sometimes people would just laugh and say, "Rebel, rebel."
I hated it.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

I always feel weird about reading a book on a bus or airplane.
I'm concerned that people might think I'm bragging.
It's as if by reading a book in public, I'm shouting:
"Hey everyone, look at me! I'm not illiterate!"

I also hate when people try to see what I'm reading.
When you look at what someone is reading it's almost like your judging them and sizing them up based on the book they are reading.
I hate that.
Don't size me up.
Isn't it enough that you know I'm not illiterate?
Why do you need more information?

Someone was sitting next to me the other day and I could see them trying to read the title of the book I was reading.
I was outraged.

From now on everytime I read a book in public I'm going to make sure it has a horrible title and let everyone see it.
Then they can make harsh judgements about me.
I think I'll just do anything to make people make harsh judgements.

Monday, March 21, 2005

I went to Iowa again on Saturday.
I performed at a college in Sioux City called Morningside College.
In my hometown there is this steakhouse called "The Hilltop".
It's pretty well known.
In front of it are a bunch of fake cows.
It's something you can't help but notice everytime you drive through.
Around Xmas they usually put Santa hats on the cows.
When you actually go into the restaurant it is divided into different cities
like Kansas City and Sioux City.
So when your table is ready your number is called as well as what city you will be eating in.
It always seemed like the same woman called out the numbers and cities.
She had a very distinctive voice.
I always imagined that she lived in the booth with the microphone.
When me and my sister were little we would always imitate the woman's voice and pretend we worked at the restaurant.
Sometimes if me and my sister would get in a fight I would yell at her in a voice like "The Hilltop" woman and say:
"You should go to Sioux City, and chew on a cow."
I know, very offensive stuff.
So it always made me wonder what Sioux City was like.

I thought it was hilarious that I actually got to go to the real Sioux City and do stand-up there.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

In high school I wrote for my school newspaper
was really into photography and drawing.
But everything I wrote was really random.
I never reviewed anything.
It's probably better that I didn't and that I never do.
I'm a bitchy audience, with a short attention span.
Don't ever listen to anything that I "review".

The articles I wrote were about random things like shopping carts.
There was this shopping cart that was always in our school parking lot.
So I would just take photos of it.
And write stories about how I thought it got in the parking lot
treat it as though it were an important story.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

I've been a little bit out of it for the last couple of days because I had a fever.
So that's why I decided to not post anything yesterday.
It would have probably been a little bit too trippy to understand.
That's how fevers are though, they make you feel trippy.
Or at least that's how they make me feel.
One time time in college I had a really high fever
woke up in the middle of the night and woke up my roommate to tell her a very important message, which was something to the effect of:

"We need to buy the Pepsi..NOW! For the party. It'll be sold out!"

I of course don't remember this happening.
But my roommate says it did.
I don't buy it though.
I've never brought Pepsi to a party.
But maybe when my I have a high temperature I do.
Who knows.

Monday, March 07, 2005

I'm back on the east coast and very happy to be back.
I flew back in from Iowa yesterday.
I did a show there on Saturday at Simpson College in Indianola.
It was a fun show, with a small turnout.
I like shows like that because they are bit more casual and it makes me feel like I'm in my living room hanging out with friends.

I went to Iowa once before in the fall.
It was interesting to see how different it looked.
In the fall it was green and really pretty,
this weekend...not so green, but great weather.
Touring has been been fun but I am definitely glad to be back
able to work on other things.
And more importantly I'm just glad to be back with friends and family.
Touring is definitely cool, but it can be a bit lonely at times.
I didn't tour with other comedians, it was

This was pretty much my first time doing a bulk of shows like this.
I liked it a lot, because I like that feeling of going somewhere where I've never been and performing in front of an audience who has never heard of me.
It's very exciting because there's a chance that they may not like what I do.
So if they do like what I do, it's very rewarding.
It's a bit riskier.
And there really is no way of telling if an audience will like me or not till I do the show.
Sometimes everyone likes me.
Sometimes nobody seems to like me.
Sometimes it's mixed.
Every once in a while I'll do a show where half of the room will like what I do a lot, while the other half will not like what I do so much.
I once did a show where I was walking back to my car behind 2 audience members
they were yelling and having an argument on whether or not I was funny.
One of them yelled about me being funny, the other one yelled about me not being funny.
I was walking behind them the whole time and they had no idea.
I thought it was bizarre that people would take the time to get into an argument over my stand-up.
But I thought it was interesting.
I love that kind of stuff.
But I babble.

Thanks to all of the schools for having me over,
doing such a great job at promoting the shows,
being so accomodating and nice.
Thanks to folks who showed up.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Today I'm in Whitewater, WI to perform at the University here.
I got lost on the way.
I totally went on the wrong highway and just kept going.
This pushes my getting lost count to: 3.
But this time when I got lost I didn't feel like I was going to throw up.
I guess I'm not as gifted as I thought I was.
So much for joining the circus...

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Today I'm in Green Bay, Wisconsin to perform at the University of Wisconsin here.
Whenever I think of Green Bay I think of a bunch of football fans wearing cheeseheads.
This makes me feel a little bit intimidated about tonight's show.
This also makes me feel like an idiot for thinking with a stereotype.
I hope nobody throws a football at my head...

Last nights show at the Univ. of Wisconsin-Stout was fun but awkward.
The was a small but attentive turnout due to the fact that there was a championship basketball game going on at the same time.
Thanks to those who showed up regardless.

I've been really lucky with my driving out here.
I've only gotten lost twice.
But I've been able to figure out I'm lost right away
and get back on track in seconds.

This is due to the fact that I think I have a gift:
whenever I'm lost I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Pretty weird, huh?

I'm like a human compass.

If I ever decide to quit comedy maybe I could join the freak show at the circus
be billed as "Compass girl".

My show would be a blindfolded me being misguided into the wrong direction.
Then I'd figure out the right path through puking.
Sounds like a showstopper.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Last night's show in River Falls was a lot of fun.
I seem to describe every show as being fun...

For some reason I thought that I wouldn't be able to handle spending this much time in Wisconsin.
But that's not the case at all.
I don't know though, I am here till Sunday.
A lot can happen in four days....
Keep your fingers crossed.
I'll let you know what happens.
Whether you want to know or not, I'll let you know.
I'll keep posting vague updates.

Tonight I'll be performing at the University of Wisconsin-Stout.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Saturday I performed at Ripon College here in Wisconsin.
It was a fun show.
There was also a good turnout.
Thanks Ripon.

last night I performed at the University of Wisconsin in Oshkosh.
It was lots of fun and got a great turnout.
Check out my interview in their school newspaper,
The Advance Titan, where I gave answers that are inarticulate at times.

Thanks for having me over Oshkosh.
I had fun
I enjoy saying the word "Oshkosh".

Tonight I perform at the University of Wisconsin at River Falls.

I think I'm officially over my fear of leaping deer.

I'll write something more amusing later...

Saturday, February 26, 2005

I couldn't get an internet connection at the hotel I was at yesterday.
So that's why there was no post.

I performed at Lawrence University in Appleton last night
the University of Wisconsin in Stevens Point the night before.
Both shows were pretty fun.
Thanks to folks who were able to make it out.

I'm trying to eat healthier foods from now on when I'm traveling.
It's really easy to just eat crap when you're going from hotel to hotel.
I have this fear that I'll eat nothing but donuts
get so big that I won't be able to fit through a door.
I'll be so out of shape that walking 2 feet becomes a struggle.
Then I'll keep calling the front desk and demanding that they send a tow truck to my room
to drag me to McDonalds to order everything they have available...AGAIN.

Luckily that hasn't happened yet.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

I'm back in Wisconsin to perform at more colleges.
Last night I did a fun, laid back show at Edgewood College.

I totally lost my sweatshirt at the airport yesterday.
I don't mind though.
I didn't need it in my life anymore.
I don't think anyone is going to be thrilled when they find it.
An oversized hooded sweatshirt is no lucky penny.
Sometimes when I see a penny on the ground I won't pick it up
because I worry that people will judge me and think,
"Wow, how empty is her life that she needs a penny."
So I'll walk away from the penny.
But then the thought of the penny haunts me all day.
And I wonder if I just missed a great opportunity.
I keep thinking about going back to get it.
Even if I'm miles away.

I don't get that way about oversized hooded sweatshirts though.
If I see a hooded sweatshirt lying on the ground.
I just think,
"Looks like someone had a nervous breakdown
threw their sweatshirt on the ground then ran away screaming."
Then I walk away.
But I never think about picking it up.

Friday, February 18, 2005

That last post was melodramtic.
I need to turn down the volume.
My cell phone isn't that intense.
I bet your cell phone is more intense than mine.
Maybe not though, cell phones aren't intense things.
I'd rather just use a walky talky, but not talk into.
I'm more walky than talky.
Are walky talkys still on the market?
I don't think so.
I think they got replaced by cell phones.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

My cell phone is intense.
Whenever it rings it makes other electrical things like a tv or radio, make noises.
I can only imagine what it's doing to my head.
My brain is probably radio active now.
Or there is a huge hole in it that is capable of storing voicemail messages.
I'm sure that's exactly what's going on.
10 years from now I'll be in the hospital with a hardcore migraine.
They'll run every test on me
never be able to figure out what it is.
The all of a sudden AT&T will show up.
A staff of 100 people who work for AT&T will just barge into the hospital
push everyone out of the way and be like,
" Val you have 10 million messages in your head. None of them are for you but there are still 10 million messages in your head for other people. That's why you have that migraine. You might want to delete those."

Then they'll all do a swift pivot turn(in unison) and exit the hospital.
The only reason the staff of AT&T showed up was to deliver that important message.
I'm glad they did.
I've never had a migraine.
But if I did I'd want someone to tell me how to get rid of it.
Thanks AT&T.
I'm back on the east coast.
I've actually been back for a couple of days.
I did "ok" at NACA Nationals.
The reason I just say "ok" is because the last time I did a NACA conference
I did a bit better than "ok" because I got a standing ovation.
So compared to that, this was just "ok".
But thanks to everyone who said nice things to me after.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

I'm done with the beginning part of this tour.
My last show was at the College of St. Scholastica in Duluth.
It was a good time and again everyone was nice.
The rest of the tour starts back up in about a week in Wisconsin.

Thank you to all of the schools who have had me over so far
to everyone who came out to the shows and laughed at the things I said.
I appreciate it.

I'm off to Minneapolis tomorrow.
On Monday I'll be showcasing at NACA Nationals which should be fun.
Unless, I blow it...
Maybe I will.
I hope I don't though.
Maybe I'll think too highly of myself, then when my name is announced I'll start spinning onto the stage like a big show off.
Then on the third spin I'll fall over dramatically.
It all happens in slow motion.
The audience can't believe it.
"That's what she gets for spinning like a fool!", they think before they start booing.
I just lay there on the stage, tragically.
Digging deep for the courage to get back up
finally I do.
But then a herd of leaping deer come running onto the stage and trample over me.
So I decide to remain down on the ground.
I also decide to never spin in public again.

I don't think that will happen though.
I'm not a big fan of spinning.
Hopefully I'll just tell my jokes and people will find them funny.
I need to stay focused.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

I'm back in Minnesota.
The shows in Wisconsin were fun.
The driving to them went well too except for the fact that...

I got pulled over for speeding in Wisconsin yesterday.
I'm not bragging when I say that, or endorsing speeding.
I'm just telling you what I got pulled over for.
If you ever go to Wisconsin, don't speed there(or anywhere).
They mean business with their speed laws.
I didn't mean to speed.
I never speed.
I usually drive like an old woman who is on the lookout for leaping deer.
I just happened to be listening to good music that inspired me to speed.
So David Bowie and his "best of" CD are to blame for this.

I was told I was speeding.
Then I was asked why I was speeding.
I had no reasons, so I decided to be honest and say, "I have no idea..."
It was then pointed out to me that in Wisconsin if you get caught speeding you spend a night in jail,
if you can't pay the $300 dollar fine.
I was just given a warning.
Which was VERY lucky for me because I didn't have $300 dollars on me,
so I would have had to spend a night in jail...
Well probably not, I forgot about the credit card option.
But for the sake of storytelling let's forget about the credit card/check option.
That would have sucked if I had to call the college that I was performing at and be like,
"Hey you guys, I can't make it because I'm in jail."

The good thing that came out of this was that the highway patrol guy taught me how to use cruise control...

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Today I'm in Wisconsin and it's snowing a bit.
The drive here was only about 5 minutes which was great.
It was the easiest drive I've had out here so far.
The most difficult drive was the one I had to do through North Dakota to get to Minnesota a few days ago.
It wasn't that it was difficult it was more about it just being really boring.
Maybe it was just that one particular highway I happened to be on but there was really nothing to look at.
When I say nothing, I mean nothing.
Miles of nothing.
For awhile I felt like I was the only car on the highway.
Pretty creepy.

But once I was in Minnesota there was more to see.
I really like Duluth.
I performed at the University of Minnesota there, and that was cool too.
Again no deer sightings but plenty of deer stories
just wildlife stories in general.
This led to a discussion of a cartoon that was a favorite of mine when I was little,
but had forgotten about:
Shirt Tales

Monday, February 07, 2005

Oh yeah...
So I know last night was the super bowl
I know the Patriots won.
But I don't really care.
Every year I try to watch the super bowl and try to act excited about it.
I can't do it.
I think it's great that people play football and I respect that they do that.
But I just have a hard time watching it because I always feel concerned for all the players.
If I played football(and NEVER will), I would demand that more protective gear be used.
I wouldn't step onto a football field unless I was wearing a suit of armor
it was made clear that no one was allowed to knock me over.
Helmets aren't enough.
This ends my insightful discussion of the super bowl.
Today I'm in Duluth, MN.
There is a view of Lake Superior from my hotel room which is really cool.

Still no sign of leaping deer.
But I saw a tire from someone's car on the side of the road.
Then as I kept on driving I saw more car parts on the road.
This makes me think that something tragic happened, that involved a leaping deer,
or some other leaping animal like a lion.
Maybe not though I don't think Duluth is a lion town.

Whenever I meet people out here the first thing I ask them is if they've ever had a deer incident.
Almost everyone I've met has.
But to them it's not a big deal, and they think it's funny that I'm so fascinated with their deer stories.

Friday's show was a lot of fun.
I performed at Concordia College in Moorhead,MN.
I was kind of worried about the show at first because I was told that the show was going to be held at a chapel and that students might be sensitive to certain material.
But when I got to the college it turned out the chapel was very un-chapel like.
There were no crosses, priests, or nuns there.
Everyone at the school told me that just about all of the performers who come to their school get freaked out when they are told that the show is at a chapel.
When I did my hour I cursed like I normally do, and do everything that I normally do
I just didn't do my new cock jokes.

Friday, February 04, 2005

I'm back in Minnesota today. I drove back earlier, from North Dakota.
I did shows at Minot State University and the University of North Dakota.
It was 40 degrees there yesterday which is abnormal for North Dakota this time of year.
People were wearing flip flops, because to them 40 degrees is a heat wave.

Luckily no angry deer leaped at my car rental during the drive back to Minnesota
I did see a few dead deer on the side of the road.
I saw dead animals in the middle of the road too.
I have no idea what they were though.
I'm convinced that this will make the leaping deer even angrier.
They're probably outraged about the death of their friends.
So now every leap will be filled with fury and revenge.
I'm screwed.
I have to figure out a way to communicate with the deer and let them know that I wasn't the one who killed their friends on the highway.

Tonight I'm performing at a chapel.
That should be interesting...
Tuesday, I was at a bar.
Tonight, I'm at a chapel.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

I'm in North Dakota today and tomorrow.
The show I did last night went well. It was for SW Minnesota State University at a laid back bar.

There are a lot of deer crossing signs out here and that creeps me out.
Because in the picture the deer looks like it's leaping.
That would suck to have pictures of you leaping on a highway.
I would be pissed, if I were a deer.
I would be sure that when I crossed the highway I was leaping.
Only I would be extra flamboyant with my leap, because I would feel the need to give people what was advertised in the picture.

Do deer travel in herds?
I hope not.
I don't want to cross paths with a herd of angry leaping deer.
I don't think they travel in herds though.
I think that's buffalo...or cows...or Saint Bernards.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

I'm in Minnesota today to start off my college tour.

For months I've been scared to come out here because I heard it gets really cold in February.
But it's actually warmer here than on the east coast.
It's a good thing I didn't rent that Saint Bernard dog like I had planned on doing.
That would have sucked.
Those dogs are huge.
But they have a stash of liquor...

Sunday, January 30, 2005

I don't understand why people make computer viruses.
Why would you bother?
It must be really hard to do.
I could never do that.
It must take a lot of time, attention span, and math skill.
When I use a computer I just check my email and post things on this blog.
That's about it. That's as far as I take it.
Sometimes if I'm feeling really crazy I'll google something.
But no computer virus making for me.
I will never do that.

But if I were capable of making a computer virus
and if it happened to be my thing(because I had suddenly lost my mind).
I would just make a harmless computer virus.
It would just type random messages on people's computers like:

"Get snacks. Now. Get snacks, then rub them on this computer screen. Hurry, I'm hungry."

Friday, January 14, 2005

I just got a haircut and thought it looked good.
Until I walked through the rain without an umbrella,
then stepped in another puddle.
That puddle probably knows the other puddle I stepped in yesterday.
I bet they're tight.
It was it's revenge.
It's way of saying,
"How dare you call my best friend sneaky, and claim that it wasn't being honest with itself.
My friend is shy.
Back off.
P.S. Your haircut sucks."

Thursday, January 13, 2005

I just stepped in a puddle that was hiding under the snow.
Talk about being sneaky.
That puddle needs to be more honest with itself.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

I have something else I want to take back.
Remember a few posts ago when I typed about how I hated a person from my past who said that Trident wrappers were edible?
I decided I don't hate them.
That's fine that they said that.
I also think it's fine that they enjoyed chewing on Trident wrappers.
We all have our quirks.
Who am I to point fingers and be hateful?

Also, I said that I didn't care if you told them that I hated them.
I take that back too.
Now I care.
DON'T tell them that.

It's probably too late though, huh?
I bet you went and told them.
Didn't you?
I knew I couldn't trust you.
Big mouth!
I can't tell you anything.
I hate you now.
We're in a fight now.
I'm not talking to you for weeks.

Monday, January 10, 2005

I take it back, I no longer want to get a ski mask.
They are pretty damn scary looking.
Even when no one is wearing them and they're just lying there.
Also, I wear glasses.
So when I wear a ski mask I look like a dorky bank robber.
I think I'm all set with that.

Friday, January 07, 2005

I wonder who invented gum.
It must have been hard for them to introduce the concept to people:

"It's like a snack, but don't swallow."

Everyone probably made fun of that person for awhile.
Then they got fed up and thought of a snappy comeback to all the gum taunts.
They probably said something like,

"Fine go ahead and chew on your own cud, like a cow.
I'll be over here chewing on this gum I just invented instead.
I'll see you cows later. Moo!".

Then eventually everyone got sick of being mooed at by the gum inventor.
So they were like,

"Fine, jack-ass we'll have a piece. Just stop your mooing."

Then they liked it and it caught on.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

I bet gum chewing can turn into a problem for some people.
Like maybe there are people who lose control when handed a pack of gum.
Rather than chew just one piece, they chew all the pieces so their mouth is overfilled with gum.
Then they make important phone calls to people.
But the person on the other end of the phone is like,
"What? I don't understand what you're saying.
Call me back when you have less gum in your mouth."

That would be a huge problem if you did that.
I wouldn't suggest doing that.
I wonder if 20/20 ever ran a story on gum chewing problems like that.
I'm sure they did.
Or, maybe they didn't get to it yet.
Who knows.
Not me.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

I don't remember if it was in college or junior high,
but at one of those times someone spread a rumor that the wrappers on Trident gum were edible.
And I listened to them.
I can't believe it.
How could that person do that?
They obviously had a problem.
I hate them.
You can go ahead and tell them that I said that too.
I don't care, go ahead.
I wonder what that person is up to these days...
I bet they're chewing on Trident wrappers still.
Still spreading rumors about it.
That's so like them.
Either that or maybe they turned it up a notch and chew on regular paper now.
I bet right now they are in the corner of an art supply store just chewing away on a pack of construction paper.
I wouldn't be surprised.
Then I bet they'll drink some paint from a can to wash it down.
I bet they live in NY too.
That's usually what those kinds of people do.
They move to NY.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

So, remember how I said I finally got the ski mask in my last post?
I totally lied.
I didn't get one.
I got a pack of Trident sugarless gum though.
But then I lost it and had to buy another pack.
I really am going to get a ski mask though.

Monday, January 03, 2005

I finally got that ski mask I was typing about before.
Sorry for the delay, but I got distracted.
Also, I don't like to rush into things.
I wanted to wait for 2005 to kick in.
I'm so glad I waited...
I really know how to ring in the New Year.