Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I still can't believe I stepped on gum earlier.
That's so out of character for me.
I always look before I step.
I never step before I look.
I'm devastated.
I didn't even bother to remove the gum from my sneaker.
I decided to keep it there in memorium of the gum stepping.
The downside to that is that things stick to my sneaker as I walk around.
I found a note stuck to it that said,

Go get 'em George!
You know who

It made me wonder.
Did George ever get this message?
Did "You know who" drop the note before he or she could get the note to George?
I bet "You know who" dropped it, and doesn't even know.
They're walking around thinking, "Wow, I can't wait to give this note to George."
Then all of a sudden I walk into town with my gum clad sneaker and savagely take the note away.
George will never get the message now.
He'll always walk through life not knowing that "You know who" wanted him to "Go get 'em".

All because I stepped without looking.
I stepped on a piece of gum today.
I didn't see it.
I can't believe it.
I just stepped on it.
Right when I stepped on it I could have sworn I saw this person try to make eye contact with me after it happened.
I hate when people do that.
Do I look like I need eye contact?
Does this look like a dating service?

Friday, March 25, 2005

I was in NY on Wednesday.
I haven't been there since December.
So it was cool to see people.
NY is obviously a great city, but just not for me I don't think.
I remember the first time I went to NY and walked through Times Square I was really overwhelmed.
Most people are.
It can be a pretty intense thing to walk through if you're visiting for the first time.
It's super crowded, and then there's the whole bright lights big city factor.
For the longest time I always thought Times Square looked like a power outage waiting to happen.
So I wouldn't walk through it, I would just look at it from a few blocks away then point at it and say, "There it is."

But now I feel fine about walking through it.
And I feel like when I do I act like a cliche New Yorker:
I walk obnoxiously fast, and start cursing at people who walk slow,
giving them the finger, and constantly ordering bagels and throwing them at people who dare to make eye contact with me.

It feels good to go full circle like that.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

I quit smoking cigarettes this year(again).
I was never a hardcore smoker.
I know what your saying.
You're like, "Hey Val, haven't you heard that smoking is bad for you?"
Yeah, I did hear.
That wasn't even the main reason why I quit though.
It wasn't the health factor.
It was the being judged factor.
I don't seem like someone who would smoke, and people would always point that out.
"Since when do you smoke, Val?"
"Are you even inhaling?"
Sometimes people would just laugh and say, "Rebel, rebel."
I hated it.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

I always feel weird about reading a book on a bus or airplane.
I'm concerned that people might think I'm bragging.
It's as if by reading a book in public, I'm shouting:
"Hey everyone, look at me! I'm not illiterate!"

I also hate when people try to see what I'm reading.
When you look at what someone is reading it's almost like your judging them and sizing them up based on the book they are reading.
I hate that.
Don't size me up.
Isn't it enough that you know I'm not illiterate?
Why do you need more information?

Someone was sitting next to me the other day and I could see them trying to read the title of the book I was reading.
I was outraged.

From now on everytime I read a book in public I'm going to make sure it has a horrible title and let everyone see it.
Then they can make harsh judgements about me.
I think I'll just do anything to make people make harsh judgements.

Monday, March 21, 2005

I went to Iowa again on Saturday.
I performed at a college in Sioux City called Morningside College.
In my hometown there is this steakhouse called "The Hilltop".
It's pretty well known.
In front of it are a bunch of fake cows.
It's something you can't help but notice everytime you drive through.
Around Xmas they usually put Santa hats on the cows.
When you actually go into the restaurant it is divided into different cities
like Kansas City and Sioux City.
So when your table is ready your number is called as well as what city you will be eating in.
It always seemed like the same woman called out the numbers and cities.
She had a very distinctive voice.
I always imagined that she lived in the booth with the microphone.
When me and my sister were little we would always imitate the woman's voice and pretend we worked at the restaurant.
Sometimes if me and my sister would get in a fight I would yell at her in a voice like "The Hilltop" woman and say:
"You should go to Sioux City, and chew on a cow."
I know, very offensive stuff.
So it always made me wonder what Sioux City was like.

I thought it was hilarious that I actually got to go to the real Sioux City and do stand-up there.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

In high school I wrote for my school newspaper
was really into photography and drawing.
But everything I wrote was really random.
I never reviewed anything.
It's probably better that I didn't and that I never do.
I'm a bitchy audience, with a short attention span.
Don't ever listen to anything that I "review".

The articles I wrote were about random things like shopping carts.
There was this shopping cart that was always in our school parking lot.
So I would just take photos of it.
And write stories about how I thought it got in the parking lot
treat it as though it were an important story.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

I've been a little bit out of it for the last couple of days because I had a fever.
So that's why I decided to not post anything yesterday.
It would have probably been a little bit too trippy to understand.
That's how fevers are though, they make you feel trippy.
Or at least that's how they make me feel.
One time time in college I had a really high fever
woke up in the middle of the night and woke up my roommate to tell her a very important message, which was something to the effect of:

"We need to buy the Pepsi..NOW! For the party. It'll be sold out!"

I of course don't remember this happening.
But my roommate says it did.
I don't buy it though.
I've never brought Pepsi to a party.
But maybe when my I have a high temperature I do.
Who knows.

Monday, March 07, 2005

I'm back on the east coast and very happy to be back.
I flew back in from Iowa yesterday.
I did a show there on Saturday at Simpson College in Indianola.
It was a fun show, with a small turnout.
I like shows like that because they are bit more casual and it makes me feel like I'm in my living room hanging out with friends.

I went to Iowa once before in the fall.
It was interesting to see how different it looked.
In the fall it was green and really pretty,
this weekend...not so green, but great weather.
Touring has been been fun but I am definitely glad to be back
able to work on other things.
And more importantly I'm just glad to be back with friends and family.
Touring is definitely cool, but it can be a bit lonely at times.
I didn't tour with other comedians, it was just...me.

This was pretty much my first time doing a bulk of shows like this.
I liked it a lot, because I like that feeling of going somewhere where I've never been and performing in front of an audience who has never heard of me.
It's very exciting because there's a chance that they may not like what I do.
So if they do like what I do, it's very rewarding.
It's a bit riskier.
And there really is no way of telling if an audience will like me or not till I do the show.
Sometimes everyone likes me.
Sometimes nobody seems to like me.
Sometimes it's mixed.
Every once in a while I'll do a show where half of the room will like what I do a lot, while the other half will not like what I do so much.
I once did a show where I was walking back to my car behind 2 audience members
they were yelling and having an argument on whether or not I was funny.
One of them yelled about me being funny, the other one yelled about me not being funny.
I was walking behind them the whole time and they had no idea.
I thought it was bizarre that people would take the time to get into an argument over my stand-up.
But I thought it was interesting.
I love that kind of stuff.
But I babble.

Thanks to all of the schools for having me over,
doing such a great job at promoting the shows,
being so accomodating and nice.
Thanks to folks who showed up.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Today I'm in Whitewater, WI to perform at the University here.
I got lost on the way.
I totally went on the wrong highway and just kept going.
This pushes my getting lost count to: 3.
But this time when I got lost I didn't feel like I was going to throw up.
I guess I'm not as gifted as I thought I was.
So much for joining the circus...

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Today I'm in Green Bay, Wisconsin to perform at the University of Wisconsin here.
Whenever I think of Green Bay I think of a bunch of football fans wearing cheeseheads.
This makes me feel a little bit intimidated about tonight's show.
This also makes me feel like an idiot for thinking with a stereotype.
I hope nobody throws a football at my head...

Last nights show at the Univ. of Wisconsin-Stout was fun but awkward.
The was a small but attentive turnout due to the fact that there was a championship basketball game going on at the same time.
Thanks to those who showed up regardless.

I've been really lucky with my driving out here.
I've only gotten lost twice.
But I've been able to figure out I'm lost right away
and get back on track in seconds.

This is due to the fact that I think I have a gift:
whenever I'm lost I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Pretty weird, huh?

I'm like a human compass.

If I ever decide to quit comedy maybe I could join the freak show at the circus
be billed as "Compass girl".

My show would be a blindfolded me being misguided into the wrong direction.
Then I'd figure out the right path through puking.
Sounds like a showstopper.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Last night's show in River Falls was a lot of fun.
I seem to describe every show as being fun...

For some reason I thought that I wouldn't be able to handle spending this much time in Wisconsin.
But that's not the case at all.
I don't know though, I am here till Sunday.
A lot can happen in four days....
Keep your fingers crossed.
I'll let you know what happens.
Whether you want to know or not, I'll let you know.
I'll keep posting vague updates.

Tonight I'll be performing at the University of Wisconsin-Stout.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Saturday I performed at Ripon College here in Wisconsin.
It was a fun show.
There was also a good turnout.
Thanks Ripon.

last night I performed at the University of Wisconsin in Oshkosh.
It was lots of fun and got a great turnout.
Check out my interview in their school newspaper,
The Advance Titan, where I gave answers that are inarticulate at times.

Thanks for having me over Oshkosh.
I had fun
I enjoy saying the word "Oshkosh".

Tonight I perform at the University of Wisconsin at River Falls.

I think I'm officially over my fear of leaping deer.

I'll write something more amusing later...