Saturday, February 26, 2005

I couldn't get an internet connection at the hotel I was at yesterday.
So that's why there was no post.

I performed at Lawrence University in Appleton last night
the University of Wisconsin in Stevens Point the night before.
Both shows were pretty fun.
Thanks to folks who were able to make it out.

I'm trying to eat healthier foods from now on when I'm traveling.
It's really easy to just eat crap when you're going from hotel to hotel.
I have this fear that I'll eat nothing but donuts
get so big that I won't be able to fit through a door.
I'll be so out of shape that walking 2 feet becomes a struggle.
Then I'll keep calling the front desk and demanding that they send a tow truck to my room
to drag me to McDonalds to order everything they have available...AGAIN.

Luckily that hasn't happened yet.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

I'm back in Wisconsin to perform at more colleges.
Last night I did a fun, laid back show at Edgewood College.

I totally lost my sweatshirt at the airport yesterday.
I don't mind though.
I didn't need it in my life anymore.
I don't think anyone is going to be thrilled when they find it.
An oversized hooded sweatshirt is no lucky penny.
Sometimes when I see a penny on the ground I won't pick it up
because I worry that people will judge me and think,
"Wow, how empty is her life that she needs a penny."
So I'll walk away from the penny.
But then the thought of the penny haunts me all day.
And I wonder if I just missed a great opportunity.
I keep thinking about going back to get it.
Even if I'm miles away.

I don't get that way about oversized hooded sweatshirts though.
If I see a hooded sweatshirt lying on the ground.
I just think,
"Looks like someone had a nervous breakdown
threw their sweatshirt on the ground then ran away screaming."
Then I walk away.
But I never think about picking it up.

Friday, February 18, 2005

That last post was melodramtic.
I need to turn down the volume.
My cell phone isn't that intense.
I bet your cell phone is more intense than mine.
Maybe not though, cell phones aren't intense things.
I'd rather just use a walky talky, but not talk into.
I'm more walky than talky.
Are walky talkys still on the market?
I don't think so.
I think they got replaced by cell phones.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

My cell phone is intense.
Whenever it rings it makes other electrical things like a tv or radio, make noises.
I can only imagine what it's doing to my head.
My brain is probably radio active now.
Or there is a huge hole in it that is capable of storing voicemail messages.
I'm sure that's exactly what's going on.
10 years from now I'll be in the hospital with a hardcore migraine.
They'll run every test on me
never be able to figure out what it is.
The all of a sudden AT&T will show up.
A staff of 100 people who work for AT&T will just barge into the hospital
push everyone out of the way and be like,
" Val you have 10 million messages in your head. None of them are for you but there are still 10 million messages in your head for other people. That's why you have that migraine. You might want to delete those."

Then they'll all do a swift pivot turn(in unison) and exit the hospital.
The only reason the staff of AT&T showed up was to deliver that important message.
I'm glad they did.
I've never had a migraine.
But if I did I'd want someone to tell me how to get rid of it.
Thanks AT&T.
I'm back on the east coast.
I've actually been back for a couple of days.
I did "ok" at NACA Nationals.
The reason I just say "ok" is because the last time I did a NACA conference
I did a bit better than "ok" because I got a standing ovation.
So compared to that, this was just "ok".
But thanks to everyone who said nice things to me after.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

I'm done with the beginning part of this tour.
My last show was at the College of St. Scholastica in Duluth.
It was a good time and again everyone was nice.
The rest of the tour starts back up in about a week in Wisconsin.

Thank you to all of the schools who have had me over so far
to everyone who came out to the shows and laughed at the things I said.
I appreciate it.

I'm off to Minneapolis tomorrow.
On Monday I'll be showcasing at NACA Nationals which should be fun.
Unless, I blow it...
Maybe I will.
I hope I don't though.
Maybe I'll think too highly of myself, then when my name is announced I'll start spinning onto the stage like a big show off.
Then on the third spin I'll fall over dramatically.
It all happens in slow motion.
The audience can't believe it.
"That's what she gets for spinning like a fool!", they think before they start booing.
I just lay there on the stage, tragically.
Digging deep for the courage to get back up
finally I do.
But then a herd of leaping deer come running onto the stage and trample over me.
So I decide to remain down on the ground.
I also decide to never spin in public again.

I don't think that will happen though.
I'm not a big fan of spinning.
Hopefully I'll just tell my jokes and people will find them funny.
I need to stay focused.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

I'm back in Minnesota.
The shows in Wisconsin were fun.
The driving to them went well too except for the fact that...

I got pulled over for speeding in Wisconsin yesterday.
I'm not bragging when I say that, or endorsing speeding.
I'm just telling you what I got pulled over for.
If you ever go to Wisconsin, don't speed there(or anywhere).
They mean business with their speed laws.
I didn't mean to speed.
I never speed.
I usually drive like an old woman who is on the lookout for leaping deer.
I just happened to be listening to good music that inspired me to speed.
So David Bowie and his "best of" CD are to blame for this.

I was told I was speeding.
Then I was asked why I was speeding.
I had no reasons, so I decided to be honest and say, "I have no idea..."
It was then pointed out to me that in Wisconsin if you get caught speeding you spend a night in jail,
if you can't pay the $300 dollar fine.
I was just given a warning.
Which was VERY lucky for me because I didn't have $300 dollars on me,
so I would have had to spend a night in jail...
Well probably not, I forgot about the credit card option.
But for the sake of storytelling let's forget about the credit card/check option.
That would have sucked if I had to call the college that I was performing at and be like,
"Hey you guys, I can't make it because I'm in jail."

The good thing that came out of this was that the highway patrol guy taught me how to use cruise control...

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Today I'm in Wisconsin and it's snowing a bit.
The drive here was only about 5 minutes which was great.
It was the easiest drive I've had out here so far.
The most difficult drive was the one I had to do through North Dakota to get to Minnesota a few days ago.
It wasn't that it was difficult it was more about it just being really boring.
Maybe it was just that one particular highway I happened to be on but there was really nothing to look at.
When I say nothing, I mean nothing.
Miles of nothing.
For awhile I felt like I was the only car on the highway.
Pretty creepy.

But once I was in Minnesota there was more to see.
I really like Duluth.
I performed at the University of Minnesota there, and that was cool too.
Again no deer sightings but plenty of deer stories
just wildlife stories in general.
This led to a discussion of a cartoon that was a favorite of mine when I was little,
but had forgotten about:
Shirt Tales

Monday, February 07, 2005

Oh yeah...
So I know last night was the super bowl
I know the Patriots won.
But I don't really care.
Every year I try to watch the super bowl and try to act excited about it.
I can't do it.
I think it's great that people play football and I respect that they do that.
But I just have a hard time watching it because I always feel concerned for all the players.
If I played football(and NEVER will), I would demand that more protective gear be used.
I wouldn't step onto a football field unless I was wearing a suit of armor
it was made clear that no one was allowed to knock me over.
Helmets aren't enough.
This ends my insightful discussion of the super bowl.
Today I'm in Duluth, MN.
There is a view of Lake Superior from my hotel room which is really cool.

Still no sign of leaping deer.
But I saw a tire from someone's car on the side of the road.
Then as I kept on driving I saw more car parts on the road.
This makes me think that something tragic happened, that involved a leaping deer,
or some other leaping animal like a lion.
Maybe not though I don't think Duluth is a lion town.

Whenever I meet people out here the first thing I ask them is if they've ever had a deer incident.
Almost everyone I've met has.
But to them it's not a big deal, and they think it's funny that I'm so fascinated with their deer stories.

Friday's show was a lot of fun.
I performed at Concordia College in Moorhead,MN.
I was kind of worried about the show at first because I was told that the show was going to be held at a chapel and that students might be sensitive to certain material.
But when I got to the college it turned out the chapel was very un-chapel like.
There were no crosses, priests, or nuns there.
Everyone at the school told me that just about all of the performers who come to their school get freaked out when they are told that the show is at a chapel.
When I did my hour I cursed like I normally do, and do everything that I normally do
I just didn't do my new cock jokes.

Friday, February 04, 2005

I'm back in Minnesota today. I drove back earlier, from North Dakota.
I did shows at Minot State University and the University of North Dakota.
It was 40 degrees there yesterday which is abnormal for North Dakota this time of year.
People were wearing flip flops, because to them 40 degrees is a heat wave.

Luckily no angry deer leaped at my car rental during the drive back to Minnesota
I did see a few dead deer on the side of the road.
I saw dead animals in the middle of the road too.
I have no idea what they were though.
I'm convinced that this will make the leaping deer even angrier.
They're probably outraged about the death of their friends.
So now every leap will be filled with fury and revenge.
I'm screwed.
I have to figure out a way to communicate with the deer and let them know that I wasn't the one who killed their friends on the highway.

Tonight I'm performing at a chapel.
That should be interesting...
Tuesday, I was at a bar.
Tonight, I'm at a chapel.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

I'm in North Dakota today and tomorrow.
The show I did last night went well. It was for SW Minnesota State University at a laid back bar.

There are a lot of deer crossing signs out here and that creeps me out.
Because in the picture the deer looks like it's leaping.
That would suck to have pictures of you leaping on a highway.
I would be pissed, if I were a deer.
I would be sure that when I crossed the highway I was leaping.
Only I would be extra flamboyant with my leap, because I would feel the need to give people what was advertised in the picture.

Do deer travel in herds?
I hope not.
I don't want to cross paths with a herd of angry leaping deer.
I don't think they travel in herds though.
I think that's buffalo...or cows...or Saint Bernards.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

I'm in Minnesota today to start off my college tour.

For months I've been scared to come out here because I heard it gets really cold in February.
But it's actually warmer here than on the east coast.
It's a good thing I didn't rent that Saint Bernard dog like I had planned on doing.
That would have sucked.
Those dogs are huge.
But they have a stash of liquor...