Today I went to a bagel place to get a bagel.

When my bagel was ready it was handed to me in a brown paper bag,
and I accepted it graciously,
giving a hearty handshake to each and every staff member of the bagel place.

There was another brown paper bag with something in it on the counter too,
and without thinking...I took that one too.

So I walked out of the bagel place carrying a brown paper bag that was mine,
along with one that wasn't.

And I kept walking and thinking,
"That's weird how my bagel takes up two bags."

Because that's the level of intelligence I have when I haven't had any coffee to drink yet(which usually comes in a 5 gallon serving).

So I continued walking down the street with my bagel, and the stolen bag of mystery food, totally unaware of the harsh crime I had committed.

Walking in a state of false innocence.

When I got back to my apartment I ate my bagel, then drank my usual 5 gallons of coffee from the coffee tank.

And that was when I came back to reality and recognized the bag that was on the kitchen table was a victum of abduction.

I slowly walked over to it, and opened it to see what was inside.
But had to look away to control my weeping, and heart palpitations.

"What have I done!", I yelled at my reflection on the fridge.

After shedding many tears, and after making phone calls to each and every one of my friends in pursuit of advice and consoling,

I made a decision:

I was going to go back to the bagel place and return the stolen goods.

So I clutched the mystery bag to my heart then marched back to the bagel place.

When I was face to face with the cashier, I handed her the bag.

Then through deep sobs I muttered,
"I have NOT licked the contents in that bag.
Whatever is in that bag can still make honest profits."

I then ran out of the bagel place as fast as I could.

I kept on running and running and running till I got to the water front.

Then I went for a swim.