Earlier this morning I was driving at an earlier hour
and
someone decided I was driving too slow and swerved by and passed me.
We weren't on a highway or freeway,
we were just on a little street.
There is no need to be passing people like that before the sun has barely even risen.
Where the hell are you off to?
To pick up a sac of crack?

I think the only way to respond this person in an equally annoying fashion would have been to pick up my speed and swerve and pass by them in a Smart Car:

Then as I pass them give them the finger
and
honk at them
but
not honk with the car horn,
honk with one of those annoying bicycle horns that clowns use in the circus and at childrens parties.
That would have totally shown them(I bet)!

It would be gross if you went to a baseball game
and
instead of a vendor walking through the seating area and yelling,
Peanuts! Get's your fresh peanuts!
He(or she) yelled,
Yogurt! In a sac! Get your yogurt in a sac!

That's the only thing I have to say today!!!!!!
Go Celtics!

I was horrified to find out that yogurt sometimes comes in a sac:

but
then I was impressed that the people who made this product had the intelligence to put pictures of happy cows on the packaging as if to say,
"Hmmm, maybe the happy cows will distract people from noticing that the yogurt comes in a sac..."
Well done, yogurt people!

When wildlife shows up uninvited...
I was on the phone with a friend a few weeks ago
and
she was in the middle of telling me a story
but
suddenly stopped and started screaming and hung up the phone.
This made me think:
Maybe I should call the FBI up and have them check up on her...

In the middle of this thought she called me back and sounded out of breath
and said,
There was a fu@$ing squirrel in my apartment and it was running everywhere. I think it stepped in my bowl of soup!! I totally got it to leave though.

I don't think I've ever had wildlife barge into my place of residence
but
if I did I would want it to be an owl
and
keep it as a pet.

I think owls eat rats though so I guess that wouldn't work out
unless
I lived in a rat infested apartment which I don't aspire to do.

Test, test, 1, 2
Last night I tested out some new material in front of these awesome people:

It went well.
When I try out new stuff I like to do it in front of a few people who have never heard of me because when there are less people in the room, there is less energy and it's tougher to make people laugh.
So if you actually do make them laugh, you know the material you have written is a keeper.
At least that's my theory...