Ronald Reagan

I can't believe Ronald Reagan is dead.
When I found out on Saturday, I found myself frantically calling friends, and telling them about it as though I had lost a friend or family member.
And it was all for the wrong reasons.

Sometimes in my act I talk about the first joke I ever told.
It was in fourth grade.
I stood up in the middle of class and said,
"Hey, what about Ronald Reagan is it just me or is he wearing blush?"

The joke bombed.
Not one person in my class laughed.
But I wrote it down in my diary and next to it I wrote,"Someday"(followed by too many exclamation points).
Suggesting that someday, maybe someone would laugh at it.

In the past year, I've started telling that story in my act.
And people laugh at it.
So now people laugh at my Reagan joke, but it's for a different reason then I intended them to laugh when I first told it in fourth grade.

Whoops

Someone keeps calling my cell phone and asking for "Chris"...
This person is relentless.
On one of his phone calls he mocked me.
Not with words just with the tone of his voice.
I bet he doesn't even know anyone named "Chris".
What an asshole.
But this isn't even really about that this is just an excuse for me to say.
"my cell phone".

Yeah, I own a cell phone, and I like to brag about it.
I've owned it for awhile, but I just decided I want to start bragging about it now.
Maybe for a week or so. Probably less than that though.
Maybe just for Memorial Day weekend.

Whenever I wave hello to people, I'll wave with "my cell phone".

Whenever I'm with a group of people I'll yell,
"I have to take this, this call on "my cell phone"
I'll even yell that when no one has called.
No I won't .
This is stupid, I don't want to brag about my cell phone anymore.
I'm done!

I think I really do need a blog coach...

Change

Some change fell out of my pocket book the other day
and
splattered all over the sidewalk.

I know you're saying,
"Big deal Val. Big Deal"

"Well, shut up!", is my reply to that comment.

Things like this usually don't happen.
Not to me!

A woman who saw the whole thing happen, from her apartment window, dashed over to me.

When she was make-out distance away from me she shouted,
"Someone dropped their change, and I think it was you!"

"No, I think it was you!", I replied so quickly that she was taken aback.

A crowd gathered around us.
Curious about why we were shouting at each other
and
to figure out who had really dropped the change.

After a long pause, the woman bitch slapped me then,
whispered,
"Pick it up. Pick up YOUR change"

"No," I whispered back in a Swedish accent.

The crowd grew more curious because of the fact that they couldn't hear what we were saying since we were whispering.

I quickly grew tired of all the attention and all the lies.
It was time to come clean and let everyone move on with their lives.

"Listen everyone, this woman is right. I did drop the change."

The crowd collectively gasped.

I picked up the change(all 7 pennies),
then walked away from the scene.

I never got that woman's name...

I bet it was Sally.

Fuck

Fuck.

I forgot about how I was going to post things on my blog everyday...

Day 2

This is the second day of posting things on my blog every day.

Things seem to be going well.

I was on the subway yesterday and a boy tapped me on the shoulder and said,

"Hey did you get a haircut?"

To which I replied,

"No, I have a blog."

To which he replied,

"Oh, good for you".

Then I said,

"I'm sorry, what was your name again?"

Then he said,

"My name is Whore. But you can call me George."