Happy Holidays Everybody!

I haven't gotten a ski mask.
I'm such a liar.
In my last post I kept typing about it
and
saying over and over how I was going to get one.
All type, no action.
What's new?!
Not a ski mask.

I'm going to buy a ski mask.

This is it.
You can't stop me.
I'm going to not only buy it,
but I'm also going to wear it.
What do you think about that?

I made this decision last night.
For a few reasons, and here they are:

1)When I was out and about I was very cold
and
kept thinking, "I'm going to buy a ski mask."

2)I walked past a kiosk(sp?)that was selling ski masks
and
thought, "I'm going to buy a ski mask."

3)I'm going to be spending the month of February in the Midwest/Northern Plains Region which has a reputation for being VERY cold that time of year.

AND
most importantly...
4)I just want to wear a ski mask all the time and act mysterious
and
show up at places wearing it then tear it off and whisper,
"It's me, Val Kappa. I got a ski mask."

So, according to superstition type things,
lady bugs are supposed to be lucky.

But what if you're driving a rental car on a major highway and suddenly a lady bug lands on the steering wheel, catching you offguard and causing you to swerve a bit.

And you think to yourself, "I'm so lucky!", as you continue swerving on the highway.

After one swerve too many you realize the lady bug is distracting, and you need to lose it.

So you toss it out the window, and to it's death.

Does that cancel out the luck?

Scary bus moment:

I bussed it back to Boston for a day.

And when the bus driver got on the bus she closed the door to the bus and said,
"Hey everybody, I'm not from around here.
Now I know Boston is north.
But anybody know how to actually get there?"

All of us on the bus responded to her question with silence.

Then she said,
"Just kidding!"

And honked the horn on the bus.

I'm SO excited that the Red Sox won!!!


I hope this means that my neverending quest to do a perfect cartwheel isn't as unattainable as I thought.

Today I went to a bagel place to get a bagel.

When my bagel was ready it was handed to me in a brown paper bag,
and I accepted it graciously,
giving a hearty handshake to each and every staff member of the bagel place.

There was another brown paper bag with something in it on the counter too,
and without thinking...I took that one too.

So I walked out of the bagel place carrying a brown paper bag that was mine,
along with one that wasn't.

And I kept walking and thinking,
"That's weird how my bagel takes up two bags."

Because that's the level of intelligence I have when I haven't had any coffee to drink yet(which usually comes in a 5 gallon serving).

So I continued walking down the street with my bagel, and the stolen bag of mystery food, totally unaware of the harsh crime I had committed.

Walking in a state of false innocence.

When I got back to my apartment I ate my bagel, then drank my usual 5 gallons of coffee from the coffee tank.

And that was when I came back to reality and recognized the bag that was on the kitchen table was a victum of abduction.

I slowly walked over to it, and opened it to see what was inside.
But had to look away to control my weeping, and heart palpitations.

"What have I done!", I yelled at my reflection on the fridge.

After shedding many tears, and after making phone calls to each and every one of my friends in pursuit of advice and consoling,

I made a decision:

I was going to go back to the bagel place and return the stolen goods.

So I clutched the mystery bag to my heart then marched back to the bagel place.

When I was face to face with the cashier, I handed her the bag.

Then through deep sobs I muttered,
"I have NOT licked the contents in that bag.
Whatever is in that bag can still make honest profits."

I then ran out of the bagel place as fast as I could.

I kept on running and running and running till I got to the water front.

Then I went for a swim.

Today I walked down the street carrying a tennis ball in each hand,
Hoping that people I walked by would see me carrying the tennis balls
and think I had just come back from some kind of game.

But I don't think anyone noticed, the tennis balls.

But I kept hoping that someone would stop me and say,
"Wow, you're carrying a tennis ball in each hand!
Where are you coming from? The big game?"

Then I would blush. And reply,
"Yeah, I think we won."

Oh to dream...

Light

I started to do some traveling for comedy recently.
And so far I really like it.

I went to South Dakota State University and Central College in Iowa, a couple of weeks ago.
Both shows went well.

The show at South Dakota State University, was my first show that I ever did where I had to travel far for, and I was the only one performing.
When I got to the airport in South Dakota, I was picked up and told that the show was going to be at an auditorium that seats 1,000.
I got a little bit scared when I heard this, because I haven't really been on tv(aka no one has ever heard of me). I immediately envisioned myself walking to a microphone on stage and and talking to an empty auditorium with maybe 2 students staring blankly at me.
I wouldn't even do my stand-up. I would just bang the microphone against my head, and keep saying,"Hey is this thing on?"
The words echoing tragically.

Before the show I rode around on campus in a car with students to promote the show. One person hung out the window in the front passenger seat and yelled things like, "Hey everyone comedian Val Kappa tonight at 7:00!", into a megaphone.
I've never seen show promotion like that before. It was great.

When it was time for the show. There was a good turn out.
I did an hour of stand-up, and it went well.

The next morning I got a ride to a car rental place so I could pick up a car and get to Iowa.

I drove from South Dakota to Iowa in a rental car. Which I was scared to do for some reason.

To make it even more complex, when I got to the car rental place they were like,
"Yeah we're all out of normal cars. All we have left is this..."

I was then walked over to a huge pick-up truck.

I got a bit panicky.

I had never driven a pick-up truck in my life, but then again I had never driven through farm country either.

As I drove the pick-up truck, through miles of farms it seemed totally appropriate.
When I hit Iowa I passed a gas station called, "Kum and Go".
This seemed hilarious to me.
I had to pull over because I was laughing so hard.
Pulled over on a highway in the midst of endless cornfields, in a pick-up truck, and laughing at "Kum and Go".
Awesome.

Central College is in a town called Pella, and was not very farmish. Instead there were a lot of...windmills. For some reason the town is set up like the Netherlands. It kind of threw me for a loop. I liked it.

The show was also in an auditorium in front of about 200 students. But this time I got to perform with another comic named Brad Lowery.

Me and Brad flipped a coin to determine who would go first. I won the toss, and volunteered to go first.
It went well, and Brad did well too.

All in all, I really enjoyed my first college outing.


Thanks to both schools for having me over.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now for something random:

I walked past a guy on the sidewalk
and
before passing him he looked at me and said,
"Hey, do you have a lighter?"

To which I replied,"No."

Then he said,"Yes, you do."

Then I said, "No, I don't."

I then continued walking away as fast as I could so I would have the last word in this "No I don't/Yes you do" battle.

It was looking and feeling good.

I felt really victorious.

Then I blew it.

I tripped.

I didn't fall.

I just tripped.

And I turned around to see the, "Yes you do"-lighter guy laughing at me.

Boston Sucks

I'm originally from Boston.
Well, actually a suburb north of Boston.

and

I was riding on the subway yesterday
and
this guys sits directly across from me
wearing a t-shirt that says, "Boston Sucks", on it.

Without thinking I gave the guy the finger,
because I'm a girl who likes follows her heart.

The guy gave me the finger back, then got off the subway,
because he apparently is a heart follower too.

Looks like he won this round.

Guy with "Boston Sucks" t-shirt: 1

Me: 0

Drivers License

My drivers licence photo sucks.
I got it renewed in April,
and
keep forgetting that it sucks until I'm asked,
"Can I see an ID?"
Then the horror comes flooding back.
I don't even look like a human in the photo.
I look like a lost cast member from 'Lord of the Rings'
or
Just someone who may have appeared in something as a 20-something troll.
And now I'm stuck with it for 5 years.

5 troll-y years...

Yikes

Oh yeah, that's right.
I have a blog and haven't been posting on it AGAIN.
This is bullshit. I have to put an end to it, right now.
It's ending right now.
I'm going to post all the time and share deep thoughts.
Starting now...

Ronald Reagan

I can't believe Ronald Reagan is dead.
When I found out on Saturday, I found myself frantically calling friends, and telling them about it as though I had lost a friend or family member.
And it was all for the wrong reasons.

Sometimes in my act I talk about the first joke I ever told.
It was in fourth grade.
I stood up in the middle of class and said,
"Hey, what about Ronald Reagan is it just me or is he wearing blush?"

The joke bombed.
Not one person in my class laughed.
But I wrote it down in my diary and next to it I wrote,"Someday"(followed by too many exclamation points).
Suggesting that someday, maybe someone would laugh at it.

In the past year, I've started telling that story in my act.
And people laugh at it.
So now people laugh at my Reagan joke, but it's for a different reason then I intended them to laugh when I first told it in fourth grade.

Whoops

Someone keeps calling my cell phone and asking for "Chris"...
This person is relentless.
On one of his phone calls he mocked me.
Not with words just with the tone of his voice.
I bet he doesn't even know anyone named "Chris".
What an asshole.
But this isn't even really about that this is just an excuse for me to say.
"my cell phone".

Yeah, I own a cell phone, and I like to brag about it.
I've owned it for awhile, but I just decided I want to start bragging about it now.
Maybe for a week or so. Probably less than that though.
Maybe just for Memorial Day weekend.

Whenever I wave hello to people, I'll wave with "my cell phone".

Whenever I'm with a group of people I'll yell,
"I have to take this, this call on "my cell phone"
I'll even yell that when no one has called.
No I won't .
This is stupid, I don't want to brag about my cell phone anymore.
I'm done!

I think I really do need a blog coach...

Change

Some change fell out of my pocket book the other day
and
splattered all over the sidewalk.

I know you're saying,
"Big deal Val. Big Deal"

"Well, shut up!", is my reply to that comment.

Things like this usually don't happen.
Not to me!

A woman who saw the whole thing happen, from her apartment window, dashed over to me.

When she was make-out distance away from me she shouted,
"Someone dropped their change, and I think it was you!"

"No, I think it was you!", I replied so quickly that she was taken aback.

A crowd gathered around us.
Curious about why we were shouting at each other
and
to figure out who had really dropped the change.

After a long pause, the woman bitch slapped me then,
whispered,
"Pick it up. Pick up YOUR change"

"No," I whispered back in a Swedish accent.

The crowd grew more curious because of the fact that they couldn't hear what we were saying since we were whispering.

I quickly grew tired of all the attention and all the lies.
It was time to come clean and let everyone move on with their lives.

"Listen everyone, this woman is right. I did drop the change."

The crowd collectively gasped.

I picked up the change(all 7 pennies),
then walked away from the scene.

I never got that woman's name...

I bet it was Sally.

Fuck

Fuck.

I forgot about how I was going to post things on my blog everyday...

Day 2

This is the second day of posting things on my blog every day.

Things seem to be going well.

I was on the subway yesterday and a boy tapped me on the shoulder and said,

"Hey did you get a haircut?"

To which I replied,

"No, I have a blog."

To which he replied,

"Oh, good for you".

Then I said,

"I'm sorry, what was your name again?"

Then he said,

"My name is Whore. But you can call me George."

Taxes

Starting today I'm writing in my blog every day.

Every God damn day!

I'm going to be so bloggy, that strangers walk up to me on the streets and say,

"You're all about bloggin', huh?"

Then I won't even answer them.

I'll just wink at them(passionately).

Then I'll run home, and blog about them.

I won't use their real name though, I'll just call them
Sally, George or Whore

Plants

I haven't written on my blog in a week.
What's become of me...
This is probably how downward spirals start.

Some people write on their blog every day.
Those people are real go getters.
I bet they own plants and water them every day.

I should buy a plant.
People who own plants are usually peaceful looking,
and
have wisdom to share about fertilizer.

Forget it!

I don't want a plant anymore.

No, I take it back!

Maybe a plant is exactly what I need in my life.
or
Maybe it's the worst thing that could happen to me.

I'm so bad at making decisions!

I better sleep on it.

Just got off the phone

Just got done calling everyone I know.

No one seems to be home...

Yoga

Yoga blows!