Monday, February 25, 2008

Last night I had a dream that I was talking to a teacher of mine from back in the day.
We were talking about him but for some reason in the dream I didn't recognize him as being him
he acted like when we were talking about him we were talking about someone else.
It wasn't until I woke up that I realzied it had indeed been him.
I'm infuriated!
I feel like I need to go back to sleep, so I can tell him off in another dream
and tell him,
I know you're you!
then start talking about myself as though I'm not in the room.
I hate when that happens!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Thanks Bozo!
I think all of us have valuable things learned in childhood that we carry with us throughout life.
I got one of mine from catching an episode of "Bozo's Big Top" one day.
Bozo taught the valuable lesson of taking a newspaper
rolling it up
then cutting the edges a bit with a pair of scissors.
You then pull on the edge of the newspaper you cut a bit so it extends really far.
Then suddenly just like magic,
that rolled up newspaper becomes a...
palm tree!
The other day while waiting in a line, Bozo's lesson popped into my head.
I didn't have a newspaper on me, but I DID have my winter scarf on me!
I quickly snatched it from around my neck and began to roll it like Bozo had done with the newspaper.
I skipped the whole "cutting the edges with scissors" bit(as it didn't seem wise in this scenario)
went right to the "extending the edge really far" part.
Just like magic my winter scarf had transformed into...
something that looked nothing like a palm tree
failed to impress everyone standing in line with me.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Growing up, I don't remember there being a kid in my neighborhood who rode a unicycle when we all went bike riding.
I think that would have been cool if there had been one though and he or she was really cocky about it and was always challenging the other kids who had a 2 wheeled bike(a bicycle) to a race and called them suckers.
I have a feeling that if someone's unicycle interest began early in life
like at the age of 4 or 5,
it would play out like Ralphie's story in the movie "A Christmas Story".
The kid would always talk about wanting a unicycle for a gift but rather than everyone saying that he or she would "shoot an eye out",
they would say,
That's not safe. You might fall over and die.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The stuff I have been writing for my stand-up looks so different on paper these days.
It used to be that everything I wrote looked like a haiku on paper
lately it looks like a longer poem
sometimes even a short story.
Who knows what it will be like 10 years from now...
Maybe nothing I write will be shorter than a novel
maybe I will evolve into a prop comic who bursts onto the stage on a unicycle
maybe that's what I'll be come known as...
that girl on the unicycle.
If that happens, I apologize in advance.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Last night I went to my friend Lindsay's 30 th birthday party.
Here she is sharing a rap song?

A key element to this event was playing pool. I haven't played pool since the year 2004 and proved to be AWFUL at it back then. Regardless, I chose to play last night to see if I had gotten any better since 4 years ago. I thought it was important that I document this since I may never play again for another 4 years.

Here I am with my diva pool teamster Elaine. She was the only person brave enough to be my pool partner:

We put up a tough battle:

But in the end our opponents won(by accident):

I'm forgetting their names!!!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Forget it...
Drunky Drunk isn't a practical idea.
Don't tell anyone!
I want to come out with a line of perfume called,
Drunky Drunk.
It will come in large vodka bottle.
You apply it by pouring it over your head
screaming like you're on a roller coaster.
It will come with a pair of goggles to wear when you do that.
Don't steal my idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, February 08, 2008

Bow ties!!!!!
I used to work at an office supply store when I was younger.
I think it was when I was 19 or 20, or maybe it was 18.
I don't remember.
I do remember quitting after only a month of working there
I remember thinking everyone I worked with was really nice
I hated working there simply because they made us wear a...
I'm pretty sure I had never worn one in my life until that point.
I don't remember how I was told that it would be required to wear one.
Was it,
Here's your bow tie we feel you should wear it because it makes customers want to buy more notebooks.
Maybe it was handed to me and followed by a,
As you know the selling of pens and the wearing of bow ties go hand in hand...welcome to our empire!
Either way it made me feel like a clown(because I think clowns wear bow ties).
There was no escaping the bow tie.
I tried.
One day I didn't wear it just to see if anyone would notice.
They did.
I don't know if its common for office supply store employees to wear bow ties
I do know that the store I used to work at closed down.
That's what happens when you make people wear bow ties who don't want to wear them!

Thursday, February 07, 2008

I kicked it old school for 24 hours...
Yesterday, I bought a computer moniter that could be classified as the "Zach Morris computer moniter" because it was HUGE on account of being old school just like Zach Morris' cell phone was on "Saved by the Bell".

It was the only one left in stock and I have a feeling it was sitting in the backroom for quite sometime.

My reasoning for buying it was because I thought it would help solve a problem with my laptop
the idea of having an old school computer moniter seemed awesome to me.

When I actually brought home the mointer I realized how incorrect my "logic" had been. The ridiculous size of the moniter was not at all amusing once I actually took it out of the box. Also, it didn't help solve my laptop problem at all.
So I had to return it.

I don't know what seems stranger...
1)Being oddly excited at the check out of a store when buying what appears to be a computer moniter from the 80's
2)Or returning that same moniter the next day only giving the explanation of
I just wasn't feeling it and neither was my laptop...

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Bad marketing plan

A group of people knocked on my door the other day
in an attempt to convince me to join their religion.
I'm not sure if they were Jehovahs Witnesses or something else
I was just surprised that that still happens
as a way of spreading the word about what you believe in.
Do Girl Scouts still go door to door?
If so I have a feeling that they are far more successful at selling their cookies
than the other people are at selling their religion.

If there were a game show called, "Door to Door" that showed an on-going competition between groups of people who trying to sell the most things by a knock at the door,
Girl Scouts would always be the champions.
The show would probably get canceled pretty quickly because it would be too predictable.

On a more important note, don't forget to vote!

Monday, February 04, 2008


I watched the Super Bowl
was rooting for the Patriots.
This is the first year I had ever followed football
felt like I had somewhat of a sense of what they are doing
at the same time I still don't.
I think the main reason the Giants won was simply because they seemed to be the underdog in this and probably had more rage when they were playing because they were probably like,
Who do these Patriots think they are? They probably think they are SO special just because they seem to have won EVERY game this season. Well, fu@#$ them! We have to win and make them lose one game!

I bet people on the Giants got phone calls from other football teams who had been beaten by the Patriots saying something like,
You guys better win I'm sick of the Patriots and all their winning!

But in the end I think it was all about inner rage.
Rage makes people run faster and act more aggressive
that seems to come in handy in sports.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

What happened in those 3 hours?!

I randomly watched a snippet of a dance movie that was on TV yesterday.
I have no idea what the name of the movie was and wasn't familiar with the actors.
I tuned in to a scene where a girl was at a dance club and talking to another guy who was there. They seemed to like one another and were flirting but the girl said she had to leave because she had to be at ballet class in 3 hours.
I switched channels then came back to the movie
the girl was at said ballet class.
Her teacher didn't seem to be happy with her
said something to the effect of,
I smell alcohol on your breath! Where were you last night?!
The girl then shamefully admitted to being at a dance club.
Her teacher seemed outraged by this.
This was when I decided I had my fill of this movie.

Is it bad for people who take ballets classes to go to a dance clubs at night?
I don't understand.
Also, that's really gross that the girl still smelled liked alcohol after going to a dance club 3 hours ago.
This makes me think a few things:
1) She most likely didn't brush her teeth before going to her ballet class. Ballet class seems like something you should brush your teeth before going to.

2)When she was at the dance club she must have been doing more than drinking. She must have been puring vodka all over her body and chose not to shower before going to ballet class.

3) Maybe neither of those things happened and the real problem is that her ballet teacher is a raging alcoholic with low self esteem who just likes to accuse people of smelling like alchohol as often as possible because it makes her feel better about herself.

Since I have no idea what the name of this movie was,
I'll never know what really happened...

Saturday, February 02, 2008

I was just driving behind someone in a parking lot who randomly stopped their car and pulled out what appeared to be a book and just start reading it.
Maybe they were lost and what they were reading was a map
it looked like a book.
What better way to react when you see someone clearly driving behind you
then suddenly thinking,
Now would be a great time to just stop my car and finish that novel I was reading!
Never in my life have I appreciated the existance of a car horn so much.

Friday, February 01, 2008

I went out on an acting audition yesterday
there was another girl waiting to audition who looked a lot like a friend of mine
she happened to be the person I sat next to and chatted with when I was waiting.

The experience was an interesting switch from doing stand-up.

Auditioning for acting things(something I rarely do) makes me feel a little weird because you're reading something that someone else wrote. It makes me feel like I should call the person who wrote the lines and leave a message on their voicemail,
Hi, I don't know you but I read a sentence you wrote while a camera was taping me today. Thought you should know!
Then hang up and not leave my name.
That's what you're supposed to do, right?

On a different topic...
Lost was awesome last night.
I'm so glad it's back.

Also, go Pats!