Have a Happy New Year, Everyone!

10 years ago at this time, I had never traveled on an airplane before!
I was horrified/excited that I was about to do that for the first time in about a week.

Also, I didn't have an email address or cell phone yet.
The thought of having either of those seemed absurd to me back then.

I thought I'd tell you that!

See you in 2010!

I asked the audience to pose for me "yearbook style":

and
they humored me and did
because
they were lovely like that.

Happy Holidays, Everyone!

I fall for it everytime!
Whenever people dress up like statues I always think they are a real one:

Hi Everyone!
Over the weekend I tested out a camera
and
taped my shows at the Comedy Studio.
The footage came out a little fuzzy
but
I thought I'd post a snippet of it anyway.
It's from Friday's show.
Check it out!

It's over here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qenbIZ3LlM0

Hope you all had a nice weekend/Thanksgiving!

Have a nice Thanksgiving, Everyone!

The cool thing about turning the clocks back over the week is that if you happened to be driving, walking, or doing any form of traveling at 2am it was pretty much like you were in a time machine.
That's the only positive thing I have to say about turning the clocks back.

Speaking of clocks, this one runs on water and lemon juice instead of electricity.


I'm fascinated by this.

This is one of my comedy notebooks:

Heads up!

I'll be in NY on Halloween
and
part of this show:


Here's more info:
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=189544079072&ref=mf


If you want to go it might be a good idea to get tickets in advance.
You can do that over here:
http://www.nuyorican.org/calendar.php?r=0&eid=260

This morning I woke up to the sound of someone using a chainsaw in my neighborhood.
My first thoughts on this were,
Wow, that's a dramtic way to rob someone's house. They should just bust a window and keep it old school. Who the hell chainsaws through a wall in someone's house to break in?

Then I fell back asleep.

Have a fun weekend!

Uh oh!

In this photo:


I...

a) look drunk because I am drunk
b) am holding an empty coffee cup to try to look like I am drinking coffee instead of the other drinks in front of me
c) am just sipping tea and laughing and have no connection to the drinks in front of me.

Happy Saturday!

This morning when I brushed my teeth I seemed to have gotten carried away
and
brushed my teeth with too much passion.
I ended up poking myself in the eye with my toothbrush!
Luckily I still have my vision.

It made me thankful that I'm not a dentist and never had any aspirations to become one
because
if I were a dentist I bet a lot of my patients would be walking around wearing an eye patch because of my bad dentistry.

I used to write a reminder note to myself then put it in a secret place that I felt certain I would remember to look.
I just found one of those notes that I apparently forgot about from a few years back.
I found it in a back pack that I never use.
The note said,
Don't forget to fu@#ing call him!
I hope I called him even though I forgot about that reminder note in the secret place.
Judging from the note I wrote to myself I had something urgent to tell him.
Either that or maybe someone found out about my "secret system" and slipped the note in my back pack that I never use just to confuse me years later.
If so, they succeeded!

I've decided that this is the most soothing place in Boston(until I find a more soothing place):

I think Express(the clothing store) changed their size system.
According to the jeans I purchased from them I am a now size 8,
and their size 10 jeans that I tryed on but didn't go with are too big.
It's very possible that I have gone done a size since I have been eating healthier and mildly exercising
but
I also notice that they seem to no longer have a size nine on their rack.
I think they just call their size 9 a size 8.
Stop giving me false confidence Express!
I'll take it, but not without typing about it on my blog about it like I am right now!

My friend is doing a music show next week
and
sent out an email to tell everyone about it.
The opening line in her email is:
Hey Everyone,
Just a reminder that my next concert with Calliope is one week from tonight...

After, I read this I immediately blurted out(in my head):

Calliope Torres from Grey's Anatomy?!

and started laughing.

I don't think anyone else in my head was laughing with me.

Whoops...

About a month ago a guy stopped me on the street and asked me for directions.
He seemed really desperate and told me he was late and had no idea where his destination was and that he had gotten lost.
I thought I knew exactly how to get to where he needed to go so I told him the way with the utmost confidence.
As both of us walked away from one another I slowly began to realize that the directions I gave him totally weren't to the place he needed to get to and that I had absolutely no idea where that place was and I mixed it up with something else.
I basically led him somewhere that would have caused him to be even later and more lost than he already was.

So the other day I happened to run into that same guy
and
immediately recognized him as the guy I gave the wrong directions to.
We didn't say anything to one another.
He just looked at me and gave me a nod of disapproval and walked away.

Happy Sunday!

Is that a scarecrow?

For many years in Saugus I would drive by this house and see these sculpture things in this person's yard but I never had any idea who made them. I've just learned that it's a guy who is a landscaper/artist type.

I've alway loved the vibe of his yard.
It kind of looks like a scene from a Tim Burton movie
and
at any moment Edward Scissor Hands will walk out the front door and wave at you.

Happy Saturday!

3 Things that I have no intention of ever doing in my lifetime include:

1) Riding in a dog sled pulled by dogs

2) Riding on a carriage pulled by horses

3) Riding on one of those mini carriage/buggy things pulled by a person riding a bike




filed under information you didn't ask for but seem to be getting anyway

I just wanted to take a moment to thank the person who came up with the idea of star-shaped post it notes:


You are obviously a wise man or woman
and
your efforts haven't gone unnoticed(by me).

Coincidence? I think not.

A day or two ago(or maybe it was a week or 2 ago), I was walking about the streets when I heard a woman yell,
OMG! SHAKIRA!!!!

My reaction was to immediately think,
No way? THE Shakira? Where?!
and
almost drop my bottled water on the ground.
This must mean I am a closet Shakira fan?

I then turned to see the screaming woman running to another woman and giving her a hug.
So, apparently it wasn't THE Shakira but a woman who also happened to have the same name as her.

Anyway, a few days later I turned on MTV and Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" video came on.

Clearly, the universe is trying to tell me something.

The other day I was walking through a Target
and
was tempted to buy a number of things that seemed VERY important to me while making this walk.
At the time it all seemed to make sense.
A purple bike, a pink tennis racket, a huge piano keyboard(that makes drum noises) and the trapper keeper with a picture of Zac Efron's face on it.
These things all go together and will make my life complete if I buy them!
I thought while I tried to play the guitar that was on the shelf next to the huge piano keyboard(that makes drum noises).

That was when my phone rang and I decided to take it outside(because that's where I take my phone calls).
and
suddenly all of my logic returned.

I am now convinced that at Target they spray the place with something that when inhale it, it makes you want to buy odd combination purchases that you don't need.

Thank you person who called me and caused me to walk away.
You are wonderful.

Ruffles

Jail diva?

I was in the corner of a gift store yesterday reading a book filled with pick-up lines
and
laughing out loud while doing this.
I kind of hoped I would randomly cross paths with someone I knew.
Then when they said,
Hey what's up?
I could pretend to be very serious and say,
Not much. I'm just studying up.

I killed a bug this morning that looked like this:

by sucking it up in a dustbuster.
Nature is obviously conspiring against me.

Doodle of the day

So,
apparently I'm not good at buying vegetables.
I went to a Stop and Shop to buy some zucchini
and
was in a hurry so just blindly grabbed some cucumbers and assumed they were zucchini.
But they obviously weren't they were wrapped in cellophane and were clearly labeled,
English Cucumbers
I didn't even know there were different kinds of cucumbers
and
that they were easy to mistake for other things.
But anyway, I totally went back and made an exchange.
I assumed that this would be an odd thing and people would think I was a spaz for returning cucumbers
but there was actually a big line of other people returning stuff.
There was a guy behind me in line who was waiting to return a bag filled with tomatoes.
I was hoping to be able hear his interaction and that it would be,
Dude! I totally thought these were fu@$ing bagels! Can I get a refund?

It would have made me feel better.

These 2 are related but don't get along with one another:

Straight to DVD Nightmares

So, every now and then on my blog I have done a thing called
Straight to DVD Nightmares
where I would just type out a dream that was a really bad nightmare. When I say bad I just mean it wasn't at all scary but while dreaming it, it felt scary. Hence the name Straight to DVD Nightmares.
If the "nightmare" were to be released as a movie it would go straight to DVD because audiences would most likely complain on it's lack of nightmare factor.

Anyway, last night I had 2 dreams.
One was a true nightmare with disturbing imagery and all around terror.
Totally the real deal.

The other was somewhat scary(to me) but probably not so much to any one else.
I'll type that one out...

Last night I dreamt I was at CVS and felt that it was very important that I buy a pack of gum.
I seemed to be running late to be going somewhere and was worried because on my way to CVS I had tripped over my own feet and accidentally dropped my GPS into a sewer.
I was convinced this would cause me to be late to the place I was already running late to getting too.
Next I was in a very long line.
For some reason everyone in line seemed to be an anorexic.
All of them were wearing Crocs and they all were buying a GPS.
I asked an anorexic girl in front of me in line where she got her GPS
and
she looked at me and yelled,
I got the last one. There aren't any left! That's why I'm an anorexic, because I choose to buy multiple GPS systems even though I never travel!

That was when I woke up.

Have a great weekend!

I feel the opposite of this today:

This was what I had a view of for 4 hours while riding on a bolt bus:


And after awhile of staring at this I thought,
Note to self:
No matter how bored you get. Do NOT make out with the plug. The 110 Volts just isn't worth it.

I didn't realize that the Pyramid Club in NYC had so much history behind it.

Here's some pictures I took after doing some stand-up there the other night:



I didn't catch this guy's name, but he was a good sport and let me take a picture of him:

I think...
my purse:

is a man-purse and I'm okay with that because I really like it.

I ended up doing a lot of writing yesterday.
I had so many ideas and tried to get them all down on paper that it was hard for my pen to keep up with them(yes, I still write with a pen).
Looking at my notebook now, my writing looks like chicken scratch
and
like it was written by a mad woman.
Most of the ideas were stuff from years ago that I forgot to write down.
It's weird how stuff from awhile ago can just pop back into your head and seem to make more sense later.

I was at Trader Joe's earlier buying milk and as I was leaving, a couple of guys who were also leaving looked at what I had bought and said,
Got milk???
and
started laughing.

For some reason I always find it amusing when people make the corny/obvious observation/joke like that.
I think I used to many slashes in that last sentence.

This is how I feel before having a cup of coffee in the morning:

Attack of the Bumble Bee
Today as I was waiting to pull onto a highway, I heard a large buzzing noise
and
discovered that there was a bumble bee in the car and it was flying very close to me
and
looked like it might land on my arm.
For some reason when this happened I thought:
Don't show it your fear! That will only provoke it. Bees smell fear!
Then I realized this was stupid
and
decided the smartest thing to do was stare at the bee and send it a telepathic message saying:
Please leave you are kind of scaring me because I didn't realize bumble bees were this furry. Just leave and fly out the window before I pull onto the highway.
Sure enough the bee did leave and fly out the window
but
I don't think it was because of my telepathic message.
I think it was because it was bored because I didn't start screaming
and
it saw that there were no flowers in the car.

It happened quickly but I'm pretty sure the bee looked EXACTLY like this:


Be on the lookout!

Happy Friday!

Today was the Boston marathon.
I think it's amazing that everyone who did it, did it
and
I'm sure it must feel so rewarding to complete the running of that.
But for me the biggest reward would be wearing the silver/aluminum cape that is given to you when you are finished.
I saw a bunch of people walking around Boston wearing them today
and
it made me want to train for a marathon for that one reason alone:
to have an excuse to walk around the streets of Boston wearing a large shimmery silver cape.

OK
I take back what I said about my drivers licence picture earlier(the "UGH" part).
I think it's fine.
I just look more fierce without my glasses:



Ok, now I can go start my night.

UGH...

I think I may have just taken my worst driver's license photo EVER.
I was all prepared to take an awesome photo but then suddenly the woman who was about to snap my picture said,
Just take off your glasses.

Just take off my glasses?!
Are you kidding me?!
My glasses are my shield .
Without them I apparently...
take a drivers license photo where I look like a serial killer.

That's what I look like in my new photo: a serial killer.

I showed the picture tp my sister
and
she said,
Whoa, you look like a serial killer...you should have just asked them to take it again.

She's right, I should have
but
for some reason I didn't.

Taking off my glasses unexpectedly makes me lose all logic.

Now I am trapped with another dreadful license photo yet again!

Have a great weekend, everybody!

It's about that time

I always hear people complain when they have to go to the dmv
but
I am very much looking forward to my upcoming visit.
It's time for me to renew my drivers license.
I am poised to walk into that building and take a photo for my license that comes out awesome.
I've had four years(or so) to plan for this and now the time has come where I can say good bye to my old photo where I am making an odd face
and
say hello to a new photo where I am hopefully making a less odd face.

I hope I don't blow it!
Otherwise I'll have to make another committment to a photo I'm not happy with for another few years
and
I'll have to continue cringing everytime someone says,
Can I see your I.D.?

Sometimes basketball reminds me of ballet:

Straight to DVD Nightmares

The other night I had an anxiety dream that wasn't worth the anxiety.

I dreamt that someone called me and asked me if I wanted to audition for a stand-up related thing that I had no interest in auditioning for but for some reason I told them I wanted to audition for it anyway.
I tried to call them back to tell them that I didn't really want to audition but the call immediately went to a phone company who asked me if I wanted a new cell phone plan that I wasn't interested in having.
I told them yes too even though I didn't want the plan.
The next thing I knew I was walking to the audition I didn't even want to audition for and I realized I was running late and I should have driven instead of walk. I stopped walking and held my thumb up like a hitch-hiker to cars driving by.
One car pulled over and rolled down their window. It was a woman. She seemed pissed off. She started yelling at me:
I watched a clip of your stand-up on myspace about how you saw a hitchhiker. I was the hitchhiker you were talking about. You should have given me a ride!
She then gave me the finger and sped off without giving me ride.

The next thing I knew I was at the audition I didn't want to audiiton for and some guy walked toward me and said
Hi we decided to not have any audience here for your audition. Also you seem to be the only person auditioning. Everyone else called us and told us they didn't want to audition for this. Basically we're just going to film you doing stand-up to an audience of no one and photograph you repeatedly with a flash camera. Then we're going to make you watch the footage of yourself and stare at the photographs of you that we took of you even though we're totally aware that this whole concept creeps you out! Ha ha ha!

That was when I woke up.

I was riding on a bus the other day(don't mean to brag)
and
sitting across from someone who was talking very loud(practically screaming) on their cell phone
and
through doing so revealed a lot of unnecessary information about them self to everyone on the bus.

They also happened to be sitting directly in front of a sign that said something to the effect of:
Be courteous. Don't be the annoying one using your phone on the bus.

I really...

want all of the snow to melt
but
I guess seeing cool posters on brick walls that I walk by make up for it.

Dr. Seuss

was always one of my faves as a kid but it was more for his drawings than for his actual stories.
For some reason I just wasn't into anything that rhymed back then
but
was very much into any cartoon-y drawing I could get ahold of
and
loved how his drawings looked so fun and carefree
I still love his stuff.
I was at Borders Books and saw a book that had a lot of his lost art in it.
Pretty awesome.

I got yelled at..

by a stranger
and
it was all because of a dime.
I dropped a dime on the ground when I was waiting for the subway to come
and
I just looked at it and thought,
Should I pick it up or leave it?

I left it.

Then some guys comes stomping by,
stops, looks at the dime on the floor, then looks at me and says,
Did someone drop this dime?!

For some reason my answer was,
Yeah it looks like they did..
Instead of,
Yes, I dropped the dime.

The guy seemed pissed off by the dime being on the ground and picked it up and said,
It's a sin to not pick up your dimes!!!
Then he stomped away.
I'm convinced he was wearing tap shoes because when he walked it sounded like a horse was galloping away.

Bam!

I saw a turkey wandering around this morning:

It wasn't making "gobble, gobble" noises.
It was more of a random loud screeching noise.
Rock out, turkey.

Road trip!!





This one was my favorite:




I wasn't sure if this was supposed to be part of the art exhibit
or
if someone accidentally left their hand print on the wall years ago
and
decided to leave it just to see if anyone would notice:

Happy Valentines Day!

I was just driving behind someone who had a license plate that said:

CRUSHY

on it
and
it also had a heart after the word.

I think that's a brave vanity plate for one to sport.
I wouldn't be surprised if the person driving the car owned a t-shirt that said:

HUGGLES

on it.

New(er) clip of my stand-up

Hi Everyone,
A new(er) clip of my stand-up is finally on-line.
I meant to post it when it was first taped(12/29/07)
but
never did because there was an obstacle(me not being tech saavy and being too stubborn to ask for help).
Anyway, it's up on myspace now.
It's just a quick little snippet of a longer set.
You can find it here:
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.channel&ChannelID=2008723

Hope you're all doing good!
from
Val

In the clear

I heard some news story that some guy got arrested for some over due fees that he never paid at the library
and
it reminded me that I actually had some over due fees that I had never paid because of a book that I allegedly never returned in the year 2000.
This made me head to the library and finally pay it.
I have no idea why I never paid
and
quite frankly I don't recall ever checking out a book called "The Artist's Way"
but
whatever, I don't feel like going to jail.
That would be such a ridiculous thing to go to jail for.
And I'm sure it would sound ridiclous to brag about it when everyone was saying what they were "in for".

Everyone else would be like,
I robbed a bank.

Then I would just be like,
I never returned or payed for a book that I don't remember checking out in the year 2000 called, "The Artists Way".

Wow...
This morning I caught part of a story about quintuplets on tv.
I'm not sure what channel it was on
but
I'm going to guess the discovery channel.
I just caught a snippet where they seemed to be labeling the babies with signs that said "boy" or "girl".
It seemed scary to me and made me never want to have children.
Because I imagined myself at a hospital randomly being told,
Guess what, looks like there are 5 possibly 8 babies in your womb! Surprise! We would have told you earlier but you seem to have a rare baby birthing disorder that causes the number of babies you give birth to to be unpredictable! Oh wait a minute looks like the baby count went up to 12!!!!
I wouldn't be able to handle that
and
would fear that I would lose track of all of the babies except one.
Then as they grew up they would grow to hate me because I forgot all of their names.
They would probably just start robbing banks as a group because they were desperate for attention from anyone that would give it.
I just don't have the time to deal with stuff like that(right now).

My cell phone creeps me out...
My phone started talking to me yesterday.
It just randomly went into some voice activation mode(which I didn't even know was an option) and started talking.
It automatically pulled out a couple of phone numbers and asked me if I wanted to call them and for my voice approval.
So I kept saying,
No.
Then it kept asking for my approval.
Then I kept saying,
No.
Then more screens kept popping up.
So to solve the problem I turned my phone off
but
realized that to everyone walking by me on the sidewalk I may have looked a bit crazy
because I was just standing there for quite some time looking at my phone and saying,
No!!!!
to it(loudly) a number of times.

The Heart Bandit
This morning I saw a woman walking down the street.
While she was walking she would stop at every snowbank she passed and carve a heart into it with her hand.
She looked like she was trying to be secretive about it
and
was maybe thinking,
No one will know it was me who drew the hearts! Wha-ha-ha!
But it was no secret because she was carving the hearts in broad daylight.
They were everywhere.

It was clearly a Valentine's Day conspiracy a few weeks too early.

Get with it, people!

I had a really annoying dream last night that I moved to a town that was being terrorized by a crocodile.

The annoying thing about this is that I was the only one in the town who seemed to know what a crocodile was. So I was the only one who was alarmed when I saw it.
No one seemed phased except me.

I kept saying,
Omg! A crocodile!

Then everyone would say,
What are you talking about? What crocodile? What's a crocodile?

Then I'd be like,
That thing over there that's running full throttle towards us and seems like it might kill us when it gets to us!

Then they'd say,
That's ridiculous! I've never heard of such a thing!

Then I'd keep trying to explain but no one got it.
and
The crocodile kept popping up everywhere.

I went to a store to get a bottled water
and
it ran in and started knocking things over
and
again I was like,
OMG! A crocodile is in the store!

And again everyone just said,
What the hell is a crocodile? What are you talking about?

SO ANNOYING!

I went to the movies this week
and
there was this group of people who entered the theatre in a herd-like fashion
and
they behaved as though they had never been to a movie theatre before.
One of them said,
Wow, it's dark in here! How are going to find our seat numbers?!
Then another one said,
I'm seat 17 let's just look for that one.
So they appoached a couple who were sitting down and accused them of taking their seats and explaining,
See we have our tickets right here you're in our seats! Seat 17 is ours!
The guy from the seated couple responded by saying,
It's not assigned seating here...also the seats aren't even numbered. They're lettered. This is seat BA, not 17.
The herd of people accepted their misunderstanding and sat down then one of them said,
See this is why I never go to the movies with you guys!

I thought the whole exchange added to my movie experience and made the already awesome movie even better.

The End.

I think...
It's cool that the same kid is still on the front of the box of Farina:

but
I also think it would be funny if they replaced him with Snoop Dogg just to see if anyone was paying attention.